DroptheMask

“I’m sorry that it had to come to this.” --February 2, 2010 That was the single text and only explanation that I have ever received from my now ex-husband on the night that he left me for someone else.   As soon as I had read those words, I knew that my life was about to change forever.   Everything that I had ever known and depended on in my life was on the very brink of alteration—all through the simple transmission of those nine heart-breaking words.    As soon as I laid my eyes on my phone screen, I collapsed into the fetal position on my floor—out of breath and in complete shock.  Even at that point, I knew it was over.   Once I regained enough energy to speak, I let out a wail of grief and hate toward him and everything good that I thought he once stood for.   At that moment, I hated him and everything about him for what he was about to put myself, our families, and especially our son through.   I full-heartedly admit that I was not the be...

Lately I have felt as if I don’t really belong anywhere, in particular.   Almost as if I am constantly just straddling the fence of life among the many different groups of friends, acquaintances, family members, and “life titles/roles.”   I just don’t seem to “fit in” with one particular group of people at all.   When I hang out with married friends I feel like the odd one out because I am divorced.   With my young, single friends I am the one with a child.   When I was in school, I was the one who had already graduated and who was there “just for fun.”   At work, I am seen as one of the “supervisors,” so not really trusted whole-heartedly.   And in my family, I am just seen as unsettled and confused.   Everywhere and anywhere I go, I am never “one of them”—I am always the “other.” This past weekend, I went to a birthday party for one of my sister’s friends and seemed to initially “blend in” with the crowd.   I have known many of her friend...

My son is one of the most incredible creatures I have ever known.   Although he often drives me completely nuts; I know that his craziness most likely stems from his amazingly magnetic personality and gigantic heart of love. I have always been the type of person to rush through every part of my life—both good and bad—I am terrible at “living in the moment”; yet, lately every time I am with my son, time cannot seem to slow down quick enough for me to enjoy every millisecond that I have with him.   Due to my unfortunate parenting custody situation, I have had to become a “part-time parent” in order for my son to enjoy both of his parents in his life.   I would never want him to miss out on the experiences that only a father and son can share together, so I unwillingly agree to part with my son every other week in order to follow the terms of our 60/40 parenting plan.   However, the shortened amount of time that I now am forced to spend with my wonderful son has actu...

I haven’t written in my blog for quite awhile and I am not sure of the ultimate reason why…I don’t really know if I can attribute my “lack of writing credit” to my lack of initiative, ultimate shyness, inevitable busyness, outright shame, or just pure laziness—but, for whatever reason, I have not been held very accountable to my writing and/or “venting process” like I ultimately should have been.   Although I am a fairly open person regarding many personal details of my life (primarily when I am writing in my blog, talking to a complete stranger, or drinking in a bar with a somewhat close friend…), I also often try to pretend that the sometimes intimate conversations discussed never happened afterward.   Many times, once I let somebody “see the real me” or “into my heart,” I then fear finding out what the person actually does think about me—as an actual “individual”—whether the feedback about me is good or bad.   For some reason or another, I am just so scared to know wh...

I have never been a quitter.   Just about anything and everything that I have ever started, I have followed through with and finished in the end.   Whether it be school, sports, hobbies, or my marriage—once I say that I am fully committing myself to something—then I remain fully committed until the end—regardless of what unforeseen changes may come along the way.   I. Never. Quit…At least I never used to quit—but, now I am beginning to realize that in certain situations quitting may actually be the right decision to make and action to pursue.   For I am learning, that it is better to be a “happy quitter” then a “miserable finisher”.   In the past, my pride (for the most part) had always seemed to keep my actions from following many of my heart’s desires to quit certain endeavors or relationships in which I was obligated to.   I do not regret any of the decisions or actions of my past; however, now I am coming to the realization that both situations and peo...

March 20, 2011 Love is such an odd, yet beautiful concept in this crazy world that we live in.   It is amazing how one little word in the human language (in all languages and dialects, of course…) can have such a profound effect on all people…of all civilizations…throughout all of time.   Basically, every person has largely been on a life-long search for love . Period. Love makes the world go round and the love that is spread amongst others in this world and in every lifetime is strongly dependent upon the object in which the love is being applied to (as well as by whom is applying the love).   It is such a perplexing topic to ponder and it is probably one of the most (if not THE most) complex acts to fully commit to over time; yet, one of the simplest acts to “just go along with” in the beginning. Since the start of time, the human race has predominately lived and died for this one simple word of so many meanings.   Whether people choose to live (and/or die) for...

If I were given the option to be stricken with amnesia in order to forget the last year of my life; under certain circumstances, I often wonder which choice I would make… Although I know that each and every experience that I have gone through this last year-plus has helped to contribute to the person who I am today; I still at times wish that the pain that accompanied those experiences weren’t so deeply rooted into my emotions, as well.   In all reality, it is not really any specific experience that I regret—it is primarily just the emotional attachment and “bonds” to those people who I had shared certain experiences with that I wish I could just get rid of…or at least minimize at a somewhat quicker pace.   Throughout the last year, I have definitely met a ton of people; however, many of them I unfortunately no longer am in contact with (for some reason or another…); and when it comes to some of those people, I still often feel a tinge of pain when the thought of them comes...