It's My Choice.

“I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude.”  ~Unknown

Well today was a lot better than the last few days that I have had—primarily because I have forced myself to undergo an attitude adjustment….for the better.  The last few weeks, I had just seemed to sink into somewhat of a disheartened mood and depressed mindset largely due to my involvement with petty issues over trivial matters and disadvantageous relationships with others. 

Because of my recent life speed bumps, I had foolishly regarded my current state in life as incredibly destructive, and I just seemed to shut down my mind and many of my emotions, as a result.  I viewed my present problems as being the end of the world for me and my frame of reference was completely skewed and awfully immature.  And, in a way, I am actually somewhat embarrassed now about how upset I allowed myself to get over everything.  When in reality, this time last year, my entire life was in absolute shambles—not only from my perspective, but also from just about every other person’s perspective who knew the whole story about my utterly dreadful February. 

My bluntly selfish attitude was ultimately rooted in the fact (in several life situations of mine) that I did not get my way.  Whether I did not get my way because I was not liked by another person in a specific way that I had wanted or whether I was under too much stress at school or work because I had procrastinated on certain tasks that I was assigned—either way, my attitude was in the wrong and I was only hurting myself.  Regardless of the underlying situation, I was being a brat because I was on the losing end in some way or another.  My life was definitely not a wreck and I still had my health, my son, my family, my home, and my true friends; yet, I was still in a rotten mood over situations I could not change and people who could care less about me.  Honestly, my attitude was really pure stupidity on my part. 

Fortunately, life has a funny and coincidental way of working itself out.  Today, I actually ended up attending a work seminar on “Motivating Ourselves”; and although its initial purpose was geared toward motivational use in my work-life, I actually ended up getting a lot out of it for use in my personal life, as well.  Even though a large majority of the information was pretty much everything I have heard before; it was still a wonderful refresher for me—especially since my attitude had been so crappy lately. 

The most helpful thought that I had taken away from the seminar today was that it is MY CHOICE how I feel and perceive certain situations in my life.  Regardless of what others may say about me (or to me) and no matter what tasks I still have left to complete at work, school, or home; it is still ONLY up to me to decide how I will act and react to the situations in which I face.

So, even though I lost some time and friends within the last few weeks of my life; I still have far more than I could ever dream or truly even deserve to have.  Life is what it is and not everybody will always agree with me or like me—and although it is somewhat of a hard pill to swallow—I just have to come to terms that I am apparently not everybody’s cup of tea and I am surely a long-shot from perfection—so, oh well… I guess, I can’t win them all!!!  …And, in the end, that’s completely fine with me.  J     

so...blah...

The past few days have been a bit of a whirlwind…well, actually I guess this past month can pretty much be summed up as just that—a whirlwind.  Between work, my move, my personal relationships/friendships with others, school, and just life, in general—I feel like every day has been absolutely non-stop for me.  Life just seems to be zooming by as quickly as ever.  This past month has had quite a bit of ups and downs for me, not only due to the one year anniversary of the separation from my husband (and other drama that ensued at that time); but also due to other relationship/friendship troubles that I’ve had with other recent people in my life. 

Over the past few weeks specifically, I have been going in and out of bouts of loneliness and despair.  I’m not exactly sure why I have been so “down” lately since I have actually had somewhat of a low-key month—especially compared to my life events of last year—however, I almost feel as if I am now experiencing a weariness of life, in a sense.  A “weariness of life” in which nothing spectacular, yet nothing horrible, seems to really happen—it is just merely “another day”—each and every day…blah, so boring… 

Some of the only times in which I actually still get excited about lately are those times at night when I am able to sit on my couch, relax, and just watch a movie with my son.  As mundane of a task and as simple as it may sound; it truly has become a time in my life that I happily look forward to and treasure dearly.  I’m not sure if my evenings with my son have grown so special to me due to my realization that my son will always love me and be in my life—while others will not; or if my “mommy and son” nights are just the only time in my life when I am able to truly be free to be me-without judgment, worry, or stress from others.  I am simply able to just stop, breathe and relax…

But I’m pretty tired now and although the movie “Despicable Me” is playing on our TV; my son and I are both about ready to get to sleep for the evening.  So, Good Night whirlwind of weariness that I like to call life…

Life's Interconnectivity

It is amazing to me how life is merely just one long chain of events, dependent upon each and every decision one makes in their own lives—each and every day they live.  As I sit and think about different situations I have been through in my own life, as well as the innumerable ways in which my own life’s events have affected others’ lives—I begin to feel so inadequate and helpless when it comes down to the grand scheme of things.  Admittedly, life’s complex yet incredibly simple interconnectedness never ceases to amaze me.

A single day in one individual’s life, alone, is full of so many moving parts that it would be extremely difficult—if not completely impossible—to keep track of that one person’s innermost thoughts, actions, emotions, effects on others, and etc., even for that short period of time which encompasses only one day. 

On some days, I am not sure how I even feel about certain situations in my own life—yet, regardless of how I perceive my own life’s events—my simple or complex reactions to all that happens still has some kind of conscious or subconscious effect on others’ either way.  It then follows that those who were affected by me also then go on to have other affects on additional individuals, as well…and so on.  Thus, the long chain of events continues on and on and on.  The interconnectivity that we all have on one another truly is a bewildering thought to wrap one’s mind around…at least it is to me.   

We all have such profound effects on so many others—yet, we seldom even realize it.  Many of us just consciously choose to continue through our everyday lives, ignorant of the fact that some of our very actions and words could possibly make or break another individual.  I know that this may come off as a bit extreme-sounding—but, in reality, none of us really do know what others are actually dealing with in their own minds, hearts, and spirits.  However, even when we are cognizant of this fact, we still continue on with our normal life routines—at times degrading some, while ignoring others and still praising few along our own life’s journeys.

Due to my own thought process on life’s interconnectivity and the significance in which I associate life’s events and effects on others—I persistently make every effort I can to treat people in my life how I would want to be treated…To live by The Golden Rule.  And during those times in which I fail to properly treat others— since I am obviously not perfect—I do at least try to go out of my way to make amends whenever possible.  Although it may seem a bit petty and/or idyllic of me to try to live my life never offending or hurting others; I would honestly choose to live my life no other way.  The reasoning behind my naïve viewpoint is actually quite simple—it is that I would never want my last encounter with anyone to be one of pain, strife, or ugliness…regardless of how the other person may treat me. 

The way I look at it, is that even though the other offending person made the decision—whether purposely or accidentally—to be mean or nasty to me; it does not mean that I have to return the nastiness back to them and then in effect, deal with the consequences of my own guilty conscience because I was “mean to another individual.”  I would honestly much rather live my life with a clear conscience, looking like an idiot, or pushover, or whatever else others may say of me—because of my decision to make things right with others; instead of voluntarily choosing to go through my everyday existence with the burden of a heavy grudge-filled heart—because I was too prideful to clear the air.

I know that my decision to live this way has caused many in my life to question my sanity and self-respect; however, I know that I am doing okay in my own life, as long as I am able to go to sleep at night knowing that I am right (or at least that I have attempted to make things right) with all whom I have encountered during my day.

Thus, I have learned through my own experiences that once we decide to keep this life interconnectivity idea in the forefront of our minds, then it becomes a lot clearer to see that we are all far more important to each other in more ways than we can comprehend.  In the grand scheme of things, while we may never truly have a handle on all of the complexities that life’s chain of events include; we can at least try our bests to have a handle on the way we treat others we meet along our own life’s journeys. 

Because when you really think about it, life really just boils down to what each of us actually perceives and believes based mainly on our own life experiences—and ultimately, all of our life experiences are merely based on the daily events and interactions in which we have with one another.  So, be sure to treat others how you would like to be treated…because we are all interconnected to everyone else in this crazy, yet amazing, journey we call life.

Catching Up...

Tonight, as I was returning home from the bookstore and revisiting the past week’s events in my mind; I began to note a common theme of catching up weaved throughout my life’s last 7-8 days. 

Since I was out of town for my cousin’s bachelorette cruise the previous week; my current week began in a whirlwind as I tried to catch-up on all of the work that I had missed.  Then oddly enough, over the days that followed, I also seemed to arrange quite a bit of other catching up with several different people in my life, many of whom I had actually not seen in quite some time.

This entire week began with my planning to meet up with a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in almost an entire year; and although we tried to plan a meeting to catch up just about every day he was in town, despite our best attempts—no meet-up was ever accomplished.  On Wednesday, a pretty random friend of mine (who I seemed to have formed an on-and-off friendship with) contacted me to see how my cruise had gone; and, much to both of our surprise, we actually ended up hanging out and catching up with one another later that day.  On Friday, I was then able to spend time with one of my best girlfriends and two of our other long-lost friends—both of whom we had not seen in a few months. The weekend then included a follow-up hangout with my girlfriend and her husband on Saturday at the Fair; as well as another follow-up hangout today for lunch with one of the long-lost friends from Friday night’s hangout.  And finally, the catch-up theme of the week then surprisingly ended this evening at the bookstore when I was able to briefly meet and catch-up with my recently close friend (with whom I once shared a complicated friendship with—and who I have actually very much missed over the last month since our “break” began…).

However, as I now reflect upon all of the catching up that I have experienced this week with friends from my present and past; I am filled with rather complex and bittersweet thoughts and emotions regarding some of the new memories made.  Although I do not regret any of the events of the past week; I do, for some reason or another, feel rather uneasy and/or restless about some part of my catch-up time with each of my different friends.  Whether my uneasiness stems from unsaid words that myself, or the other person, withheld from the other or whether a certain situation during the catching up time just didn’t seem to feel right—I am not quite sure.  But either way, I unfortunately do not think that the uneasiness and/or restlessness that I am now feeling is one that I can do anything about at this time…

And overall, although it was nice to catch up with those who I had once had some form of a friendship with at one time or another; it is still only that—catching up.  And alas, catching up just seems to be another inconvenient part of everyday life where we never seem to be able to get out what we really want to say because we are always far too busy with everything else to do so.  No doubt, we all must move on to our next engagements with someone or something else…Regrettably, our busyness has not only seemed to rob us all of many past, present, and future relationships with others; but, it has sadly also seemed to steal away many of the treasured moments that were once positively associated with reunions and good-ole’ catch-ups. 

"No Beauty Appears"

No Beauty Appears

Although the sun shines brightly outside now

And all flock to feel the warmth provided

The beauty of the day deserves a bow

But my heart’s pain remains still divided

How I know that I should enjoy the day

I’ll wipe my tears so that no one will see

But my heaviness of hurt still won’t fade

I just don’t comprehend why we can’t be

 

Beauty surrounds us every day I know 

I should be thankful of what we once had 

But my pain of losing you always shows 

And Still I can’t move on and just be glad 

No sun can mend my heart nor dry my tears

When Life’s without you, no beauty appears

Being Alone

Although my Sunday has been solely devoted to my school studies; I have still managed to learn a vital lesson in being alone.  Surprisingly, I have spent the entire day and night by myself—with very little contact with others (even via phone)—and it has actually been an incredibly relaxing and very much needed experience. 

Since I lived at home during college and only then moved out of my parent’s house once I married—at the very young age of 21—I had never truly experienced living on my own—until now.  As a result, I seemed to have missed out on that vital stage of life where I was supposed to learn how to just appreciate the inherent value in being alone—physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Prior to the recent move to my apartment, I had always tried to just be around others—regardless of whether I had actually enjoyed spending time with them or not—simply to avoid being physically alone.  I believe that my fear of being physically alone stemmed from my fear of being both mentally and emotionally alone with my own thoughts.  Honestly, since my divorce, I had been afraid of the inevitable onslaught of negative thoughts—from myself—about all of my weaknesses, ugliness, and vulnerabilities.  I had feared the unavoidable breakdown of my emotions that were bound to pour out once nobody else was around to distract me from my inner turmoil.

Over time and through conversations with others, I had learned that one of my most common defense mechanisms has been to physically keep busy at all times possible; because a physically busy person creates a busy mind and a busy mind doesn’t have the time or energy needed to think or worry about anything else other than the current task at hand.  So, the times when I had not had my son or when I had been unable to find something to be busy with; then I had always just found somebody to physically spend my time with.  I hated to be alone.   

Given the fact that I had never learned how to properly cope on my own alone, I had then automatically been drawn to anyone who would spend time with me—regardless of whether or not the person was really good for me to be with or not.  As a result, many times I had unfortunately ended up sacrificing my own values, feelings, and/or self-dignity in order to just physically be around another human being—even if it was a toxic human being for me to be around. 

And sadly, some of the people who I repeatedly found myself going back to were also the same toxic people who were continually hurting my feelings and making me look like a complete idiot (due to the inconsiderate ways that I was allowing them to treat me).  Yet, I still kept returning to them over and over again since they were willing to give me their time and conversation when I had nobody else to go to. 

In my pain and confusion, I would often turn to my true friends for support and advice; unfortunately, I stupidly only took their pity and ignored their wise words for me to flee from the toxic relationships in my life.  In my heart, I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I was ultimately only hurting myself—in both the short term and long term—yet, I still chose not to end the recurring cause of my pain.  

Irrationally, I thought that I was choosing the lesser of two evils by choosing another human being’s harshness over my own harshness; however, in time, I came to discover that I was completely wrong in that choice.  Unfortunately, once I began to hang out with the people who were willing to be there for me when I was alone and needed someone; I also began to foolishly attach myself to them because I naively confused a willingness to physically hang out with me with a willingness to genuinely care for me—and boy, was that not the wrong thing to be confused about?!  Needless to say, once they were tired of my company, annoyed by my thoughts and opinions, and/or once they found somebody better to string along (rather than me)—I was then left heartbroken and alone, yet again.  Thus, I had ended up being worse off than when I had initially started hanging out with the person. 

However, I am now finally beginning to realize that my heart can only break so many times and I can only be burned by the same individuals in the same ways so much—before I have finally had enough.  Over the past few weeks and through particular interactions with certain toxic people; I think that I am finally starting to see the light and accept the fact that I actually am better than what I have given myself credit for.  And although I think that my harshness on myself and being alone may be a little more difficult to digest initially—it at least will be an honest harshness in comparison to the insincere harshness and treatment which I have so often received from many of the same toxic people who I keep running back to. 

I believe I am also beginning to grasp (the wise advice from my two life coaches) that my fear of being alone and the insecurities that fear brings, essentially turns people (both good and bad) away from me and my life.  Ultimately, as my life coaches have taught me—once people see that you can’t live without them, then the chase is essentially over and they know that they have the upper-hand in every situation—and in reality, they also know that your fear of being alone will always bring you back to them, regardless of the way they may treat you. 

In closing, I am proud to say that today was one of the first significant steps that I have needed to take in order to build the strength I will need to handle my own critical eye and harshness on myself; as well as to finally free myself from the toxic people in my life.  Although I did find myself a bit lonely at times during the day; I am at least comforted in knowing that with each harsh word I hear from myself—that is one less harsh word and heartbreak that I will experience from another toxic person—now and in the future. 

I know that I have way more to offer to others than what I sometimes think I have and I need to realize that learning to be alone will not only rid me of those who do not deserve to have me in their lives; but, it will also ultimately help me to discover who I really am as an individual.

Some Needed Clarification...

Well, after several conversations with a few of my close friends and a thorough re-read of my latest blog entry from the other night; I have felt somewhat compelled to try to clear up some of the confusion that my words may have caused for some…

(1.)  I probably should have used the word many or some or any other word—rather than most—to describe the number of people who are shallow and greedy egotists.  Because obviously, judging by some of the comments I have recently received from some friends, most is too strong of a word to use in the description of others who are and/or have been in my life.  Apparently, the word just seems to have had a very negative connotation attached to it and as a result, it seems to have over-generalized far more that I had originally intended it to do.

(2.)  I have to admit that I am indeed an egotist, as well.  I say this, primarily because I think that we are all egotistical individuals from time to time—unfortunately, that’s just human nature.

However, I was also reminded by one of my dearest friends / life coaches that although I am an egotist (in his words…); I am at least beginning to head in the right direction in my life.  According to him, even though I occasionally take the “one step forward, two steps back” approach to many situations I face; it at least appears that I am beginning to learn from my mistakes now.  And although my friend’s mild rebuke did sting a bit at first, I sort of had a feeling that I was going to hear something along those lines from at least one of my close friends—which is one of the many reasons why I treasure him and the other handful of great people in my life.

And actually, through several of my friends’ reactions to my overall blog (as a whole), I have come to the realization that some of my closest friends—who have actually taken the greatest offense to my self-interest-themed blog entry—seem to be that particular way because they actually grasp that true friendship will always have its ups and downs, good and bad, and self-interests on all sides throughout the course of life. 

(3.)  Perhaps I have actually been the most self-interested individual in many of my own encounters and relationships within the last year of my life.  Frankly, in some situations, I most likely had been the one who was too blind to realize that my own shallowness and pain over my past experiences was the primary contributor to my lack of meaningful relationships. 

However, I guess the only way for me to ever know the answer to this question (and more) is to just continue to live each day, somewhat cognizant of the fact that everybody has their own self-interests and no one individual is perfect or has everything together in life—including myself.  And really, who am I to judge people for the way they choose to interact with others or live their lives?  We all have our own reasons for everything we do—whether we realize it now or in the future—and apparently, my reason for writing my latest entry is something that is still developing in my own mind.

Oddly enough, my latest self-interest-themed blog entry initially began as a school paper on the book Dangling Man.  But apparently, as I began to write about self-interests and insincere relationships (much of what the book is about); I seemed to gradually interconnect much of the book’s content with several of my own life’s situations and relationships.  Needless to say, my school paper still remains unfinished at this time…However, I think that I had a pretty good work-through of my thoughts the other night—although looking back on it now, I can see that maybe my choice of language was a bit too strong or maybe I could have taken a bit more blame in being an egotist, myself—either way, I still seem to be learning from myself and from others in the end.  And really, isn’t that all that matters anyway? 

Pure Self-Interest = Extreme Loneliness.

“What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.” ~Unknown

The more people I continue to meet throughout my adult life; the more of an understanding I am beginning to acquire about the concepts of human nature, self-interest, and individualism.  I don’t want to sound like a cynical or a bitter person; but, I am inevitably starting to come to my own conclusion, that the majority of the adult world primarily only seems to consist of shallow, greedy, and self-centered egotists—rather than plain-old vanilla genuine folks. 

I used to think that maybe the continual stream of narcissists that I kept encountering was primarily due to the venues where I was initially meeting them; however, I am unfortunately coming to the realization that most people, regardless of our initial meeting place, just seem to be out there searching only for other individuals who can meet some specific need for them at some specific time in their own lives.  In my own experience, many people I meet just seem to find absolutely no need to try to establish any lasting or worthwhile kind of relationships with others.  Ultimately, in my own view, any new relationships formed—by most people in the adult world—are really only pursued and/or established in order to fulfill some aspect of each person’s pure self-interest alone.  

And, personally, I have found it extremely difficult to grasp and accept this entire way of thinking about people and relationships.  Whether my difficulty in grasping this vital life concept stems from my idyllic view in the inherent goodness of people or from the sheer fact that I am just an extremely naïve person when it comes to people and relationships; I just can’t seem to understand the logic behind most of it…

Although many of my personal interests in philosophy and literature, as well as a majority of my “formal education,” have centered on the conceptual and theoretical studies of human nature, self-interest, and individualism; I still seem to find it somewhat difficult at times to genuinely connect many of my past studies of life’s theories to actual practice in everyday life and relationships.  I obviously realize that a theory is exactly that—only a theory—which is primarily only a tool to be used in order to either deepen or debunk a specific idea which one has.  And yes, I also do realize that theories are not established to be the absolute answer for every situation in which the theory attempts to explain; however, it just seems to me that human beings, and the relationships amongst them, are far more complex and a lot messier than the scholars had originally theorized them to be. 

However, many times, I do still try to refer to past school papers and reports that I had written about on these specific topics (among others) for several reasons, such as the following: provides additional clarity for questions I have in my life today; allows an attempt to understand some of the past concepts I studied a little better; and provides an observation into the type of individual that I was at that particular time in my life.  For example, when it comes to my current quandary regarding my lack of understanding behind the logic of why it is so difficult to actually find genuine people and then form meaningful relationships with them in the adult world; I decided to refer back to one of my past Political Theory papers from my undergraduate degree (originally written 9/25/2005).  In the paper, I had to analyze two different forms of individualism (and their affects on society), according to the book, Habits of the Heart, written by Bellah, et al.  Although a large portion of the paper primarily referred to several ways the American political landscape can be corrected through different political remedies; I found the most useful information for my current life’s question in several sections of my paper which referred to the different definitions and problems of Utilitarian and Expressive Individualism—which I believe are some of the main reasons why so many people in the adult world have such a difficult time getting over their own self-interests in order to form meaningful relationships with others.     

     

In the review of my past paper, I learned that American culture is unique because of its special relationship with individualism.  Utilitarian individualism gives certain basic human appetites and fears…and sees human life as an effort by individuals to maximize their self-interest relative to these given ends.  This individualism views society as arising from a contract that individuals enter into only in order to advance their self-interests, and it has an affinity to a basically economic understanding of human existence (Bellah, p.336).  Expressive individualism then arose in opposition to utilitarian individualism and it holds that each person has a unique core of feeling and intuition that should unfold or be expressed if individuality is to be realized…Under certain conditions, one may find it possible to “merge” with other persons, with nature, or with cosmos as a whole (Bellah 334).

Both forms, although quite different from one another, focus on forms of individualism which exalt self-reliance and autonomy.  Individuals who prescribe to these forms are thus tempted to withdraw from the public sphere of life into very exclusive private spheres void of any sense of community or outside relations.  They think that if they connect with society or community in any way then they are bound to be coerced or conformed into living by moral codes and obligations which they disagree with.  Not only do these forms of individualism govern a person’s individual decisions concerning politics and communities; but also individuals’ decisions regarding love and marriage, finding oneself, religion, and work.  Individuals of these traditions thus seek to live their lives as they choose with their own moral codes and sense of “individuality.” 

With the utilitarian and expressive individualism traditions in the public life there are no real boundaries or moral codes to live by because these two traditions lead to an understanding of complete subjectivity of individuals’ choices and rights.  There is a sense of moral relativism.  So without standard and objective codes in society the individual withdraws from the public sphere of chaos and confusion into their own private sphere or lifestyle enclave with other individuals who share their own interests and hobbies.  So when people withdraw into these lifestyle enclaves they then tend to conform to that enclave and their individual concerns and decisions in life revolve around their own enclave exclusively. 

One important part of private life where the problematic attributes of utilitarian and/or expressive individualism arise is in the use of therapy for love and marriage.  The expressive and/or utilitarian individual “denies all forms of obligation and commitment in relationships, replacing them only with the ideal of full, open, honest communication among self-actualized individuals” (Bellah 101).  Therefore, according to Bellah, “No binding obligations and no wider social understanding justify a relationship.  It exists only as the expression of the choices of the free selves who make it up.  And should it no longer meet their needs, it must end” (Bellah 107).  Therefore whenever an individual feels as if their own individual rights, reliance, or autonomy is being sacrificed (or affected) for another individual, there is no room to compromise either way.  It is a losing situation that both individuals suffer from because neither is willing to give up any sense of individuality for the other person.

Once I read through the above-stated passages of my paper, the lack of commitment to meaningful relationships in the adult world did begin to make a bit more sense to me than it did earlier tonight when I originally began writing.  Individualism and self-interest are such important aspects of who we are as human beings; and I although I think that a certain degree of individualism and self-interest is needed in life—I also think that too much of either is extremely destructive to the specific individual living their life in that way, as well as to others in society who have to deal with the lack of genuine people and meaningful relationships in it.

Overall, as frustrated as I become from time to time about this life quandary of mine; I still do have to try to remind myself that if I continue to let this issue bother me and harden my heart, then I am bound to become just like those other people who I am complaining about now.  Ultimately, I know that people do not consciously choose to become shallow, greedy, and self-centered egotists (at least I would hope not…)—rather many of them gradually become that way over time based on their own life experiences and relationships with others in their own lives.  Perhaps some people were just treated so badly by others in their pasts, that now that they are in the adult world they are not exactly sure who they should trust.  Thus, they close their own selves up to others and in effect only seek out others who can fulfill what they are currently looking for at that time. 

Sadly, I think that it is oddly starting to become clear to me that people in this adult world all seem to be stuck in a continuous cycle of pain, in which the following steps are experienced: (1) offering trust and meaning to others / (2) followed by having trust broken and being hurt by others / (3) followed by turning inward away from those who hurt them / (4) followed by then becoming only interested in one’s own self and needs, alone / and (5) finally followed by the step of hurting others who offer their trust and meaning to them.  It is one GIGANTIC continuous cycle of broken trust, hurt, defense mechanisms, and loneliness—all because everybody was initially hurt themselves.  It almost seems as if this cycle of pain is bound to never end; however, as difficult as it is to not get caught up in, I think that in order to at least stay out of it myself—I need to just forgive, forget, and move on from those people who have hurt me since I have entered this adult world of relationships—because inevitably, if I fail to do so, then I am again, just as bad as they are…

In closing...Pure Self-Interest = Extreme Loneliness.

"My Funny Little Valentine"

February 14, 2011

The people who you truly treasure in your life (family, friends, and/or even acquaintances) should be appreciated, loved, and reminded of your feelings for them DAILY—regardless of the date on the calendar.  No one is promised tomorrow and not a single person has any clue when their last breath on this earth will be.  So, why wait to share your heart with those who are ON your heart at that very moment you are with them—rather than waiting to share your feelings with them later—when it potentially may be too late to tell them how much you truly care for them. 

Valentine’s Day never really was a huge holiday for me to “celebrate.”  I don’t mean to sound cynical about love or condescending toward those who are actually obsessed with the holiday; I just personally believe that Valentine’s Day has become far too overrated—primarily because of what we have {unfortunately} morphed it into.  Although I think that the “true love” ideas and intentions behind the actual holiday are worthwhile and noble; I, largely, also think that people should treat and value their loved ones with the same love and honesty—as they do on Valentine’s Day—every single day of the year.

However, I also know that due to the chaotic lifestyle of the “modern” individual and the significant influence of today’s heavily-driven consumer society on so many of us; it is easy to see how so many people are mindlessly drawn into the annual hysteria of Valentine’s Day.  The “showing and/or proving of how great one’s love is for another” through the purchase of some extravagant gift has indeed become a favorite pastime of many in today’s society.  Of course, I am in no way saying that it is ridiculous to shower your loved ones with gifts from time to time; however, I predominately think that the love should be shown year-round and not only on a few select “holidays.”

Fortunately, in my own life this year, much of my joy for this Valentine’s Day came not from a box of delicious treats nor any item purchased from a store; but instead, my joy permeated from within my heart, due to the wonderful last two evenings that I have spent with the light of my life—or, as I like to call him “my funny little Valentine.”   Both nights with him have been filled with so many laughs and so much fun (like always).  He is the one and only guy who I have always been able to count on—regardless of where I have been in my life.  Over time, I have truly come to learn that “my funny little Valentine,” beyond a doubt, is the absolute epitome of Love, acceptance, and honesty—he really is all that is right in this world…especially my world.  I admit that he definitely is not perfect and he also often enjoys “crossing the line” with me whenever he can; however, even in his “attitudes and moods,” his love for me still remains strong.  And one of the best parts about “my funny little Valentine” is that whether today were Valentine’s Day or not; his love for me would still only continue to grow exponentially—because His love for me never fails. 

Although I guiltily admit now that I haven’t always been there for him in certain ways that I probably “should have been there” in the past; with time, I have come to realize that he honestly is one of the only people who actually always has and always will be there for me throughout my entire life and all of my life’s trials.  And when it all comes down to it—I really do NEED him and his love as much as he NEEDS me and my love.  “My funny little Valentine” deserves so much more than what I have given to him in the past.  Unfortunately, over the last few years, I had naively thought that it would be the “wiser choice” to spend my time on “more productive” tasks—such as working myself to death or actively trying to search for my “soul mate”—instead of actually making the “best choice,” which was to simply just spend more time with him, the one that needed me the most. 

Even still, “my funny little Valentine” always seems to amaze me more and more each day with all of the gifts that he has been so greatly blessed with—sadly, gifts that I had been ignorantly looking past for quite some time now.  But fortunately, I am finally able to clearly see the very light of all that matters in my life literally begin to shine through the most important person to me.

And as I sit here now and stare upon “my funny little Valentine’s” peacefully-sleeping face—with only a few more minutes left until the clock strikes midnight and bids farewell to this year’s Valentine’s Day—my heart starts to melt and tears begin to well in my eyes as I reflect on the joy that he brings to me each and every day of my life.  I know that I have not been the best mother that I could (or even should) have been for him; and I honestly do regret all of the time that I have foolishly lost spending with him because I was always “too busy” doing other things that were “more productive” than just being with him. 

Overall, I believe that this Valentine’s Day was not a complete waste on me this year.  Thankfully, I feel that the holiday’s “true love” ideas and intentions definitely manifested themselves to my heart tonight when it comes to my love for my son and his love for me.  And as much as I don’t care for all of the chaos that the Valentine’s Day holiday seems to bring to everyone; I do have to admit that the actual day does have its value in the sheer fact that it does help to remind people of those who truly are in important in their everyday busy lives.  As busy as I am (and have been in the past…), I have always managed to be able to stop to hug and kiss my son and tell him how much I love him; however, until recently, I still never realized how much more he really needs from me—as his mother.  Oddly enough, this Valentine’s Day entry ended up going in a completely different direction than where I had originally thought that it would go…but, I guess in retrospect, that is what happens when I try to write out my feelings while I am watching “Mary Poppins” and simultaneously trying to keep my extremely active son from trying to “wrestle” with his blankets.   

No, he did not give me any chocolates, roses, cards, or some extravagant gift from a store; but luckily, “my funny little Valentine” affectionately continued to give me all that he has ever given me, every single day of his life—and that is his undying love for me—which is really the only thing I have ever needed and will ever need in my life.  J

<3  I love you, Caden—My Funny Little Valentine, Forever you will be.  <3

Welcome Home.

I am currently on my way back home from my cousin’s bachelorette party cruise to the Bahamas—and I actually had an absolutely amazing time!  Although I was initially dreading the cruise prior to our departure because of my current move and other recent life-stressors; I have now come to realize that a vacation from my life and my troubles was exactly what I had needed all along.  The timing of the cruise honestly could not have come at a better time in my life. 

Overall, the Bachelorette Party was a fun-filled getaway in which I gratefully came to discover two great life lessons: (1) “all-girl” trips and hangouts are a “necessity” and a ton of fun and (2) life can be just as exciting and enjoyable as I choose for it to be…regardless of what other life “stressors” may be happening in my life at whichever particular moment in time.  These past few days in paradise truly provided the perfect opportunity for me to relax and allow my mind to just melt away into a carefree and peace-filled state.  My emotions also feel as if they had finally been restored to their “appropriate” levels again; and thus, as a result, I feel renewed and reinvigorated to begin each new day with a smile, rather than a frown.

The trip was literally an “all-girls dream getaway” and the amazing attendees in our bachelorette party were as varied and exciting as a mindless, yet very entertaining, reality TV show.  Some of the bachelorette party highlights consisted of the following events/moments: a gazillion dancing robot performances from myself; a countless number of drinks purchased by random older men; a really odd continual “catfight” throughout the duration of the cruise between our party and another bachelorette party (in which I was called a “traitor” because I remained neutral to both sides since I actually got along with the other group of girls…); tasty chicken nuggets, water chestnut-filled veggie burgers and a ton of other fattening, yet delicious, food; awesome service and a FREE “table and bottles” next to Lennox Lewis (complimentary of a very kind and rich Saudi Arabian Oil Tycoon) at the Atlantis Aura nightclub in Nassau, Bahamas; myself dancing on the stage…and then being left alone at the exciting Aura nightclub because I didn’t think that the other girls were really leaving me when they said they were “ready to go”…an event which was then followed by my solo travel back to the ship 20 minutes after I realized the girls actually did leave me…only then to discover that the entire cruise security was all over the ship and “on the search for me,” due to my group’s report of my “solo disappearance” in the Bahamas…(hahaha); the meeting of other great, exciting, and interesting people throughout the cruise; the very small amount of sleep experienced…; hilarious conversations; pretty much being the “the group” that was the “life of the party” at all times; and finally ending the trip by being “randomly selected” to be searched by U.S. Customs as I exited the ship; as well as many, many, many more randomly odd situations during our brief trip abroad. 

Even though I met the majority of my cousin’s bachelorette party friends for the first time as we entered the ship; we all still seemed to quickly bond with one another over each hilarious (and at times uncomfortable) situation we  encountered.  With each new moment we shared, all of our friendships only grew stronger with one another.  And throughout the trip, I learned that although every girl in our small group (and really every girl, in general) seemed to have at least “one issue wrong with them,” they each had also learned to “come to terms” with their “issues” and instead chose to embrace them in a way which enhances their personalities—rather than detract from them.

I admit that I may not have acted “completely appropriate” at times on the trip—I was definitely not the most elegant, or classy, or even “reserved” individual in most of the situations—but, I also readily admit that I had an absolutely wonderful time “losing myself in the moment” with an exciting group of people during an exhilarating trip and occasion of a lifetime.  I will definitely treasure every day and night that I had on the vacation and try to refer to those treasured moments and memories in the future, in order to remind myself that every day of my life can be just as exciting and stress-free as these past days were—as long as I CHOOSE for them to be. 

True, a day at work is quite different from a day at the beach at The Atlantis Hotel; however, the choice to remain stress-free and content with the “current place” that I am in my life can remain the same at all times.  So, as I quickly approach my “drop off” point and car at my aunt’s house (where I left it this past Thursday morning prior to the cruise); I am now immensely encouraged about my return home to my somewhat “chaotic”, yet enormously blessed, life with a refreshed mind, emotions, and spirit.  Welcome Home.  J  

Bon Voyage!!!

Bon Voyage!  I am currently on my way to a weekend of fun on a cruise to the Bahamas!  Although I was initially frustrated about the timing of the trip; after several conversations with some close friends of mine, I have come to the realization that this cruise will be the perfect opportunity to just escape all of my current life stresses.  My recent “mental breakdown” the other day was a compilation of several stressful events in my life; however, I am starting to learn that everything eventually comes to an end—and that fortunately also includes the “end” of the more difficult times of our lives, as well.

Last night I was able to spend some time with a close friend of mine who I haven’t really hung out with since our “road trip” the last week of December; so, it was a great night filled with “catching up” and meaningful conversation.  In our conversation, we basically just caught up with all that has happened in the last month of each other’s lives, as well as where we thought we were “heading” within the near future.  He was also able to come see my new apartment, so it was quite an exciting feeling to actually be able to share my “new home” and new life with someone else.

 Even though I had a bit of trouble this last week, emotionally; I am finally beginning to feel that I am “coming into my own” with my new life and new lifestyle.  I honestly love my new apartment and I am so extremely happy that I finally made the move out of my house and into a new place.  So many stresses just seemed to have melted away since I made my move and I know that I have been so incredibly blessed in my life—especially compared to other young women in my position as a single mother.  Lately though, I have just been so focused on the “bad” and “inconvenient” aspects of my life and the focus has tainted so many other aspects of my life—and I know that is not how I want to live my life. 

And now that we are quickly approaching the cruise ship, I am looking forward to escaping my stresses even more! Let the good times begin!  Bon Voyage!

My Mental Breakdown.

“Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotion know what it means to want to escape from these” -Emily Dickinson

Lately, I have been mentally bombarded with so many thoughts and tasks that I have to “get done” or have to “get over.”  These past few weeks of my life have just been gradually building up to a classic “mental breakdown” for me.  All of my emotions that I have been suppressing over the news of my father in law’s passing, my ex-husband’s new life, my new living situation (and all of the paperwork that moving requires), my complicated friend situations, my “transformation” to the “new-old me,” my daily work stresses, in general, and a myriad of other issues that have been plaguing me; have all just seemed to build up to my ultimate breaking point today.

Like always, I have continued to keep piling on stress after stress into my life in order to “do more” and “be more” to everyone else who expects so much from me.  Although I continually gripe about not having any time to do what “I need to do” to “just be me”; I still have the most difficult time telling others (and myself) “no” when they make a request of me—to have just a little bit more of my time or my skills or my life…the chaos just never seems to stop for me—and it is primarily because of my own doing.

Tonight in my class (yet another task that I had signed myself up for with an already busy schedule…), we discussed the text “Dangling Man” by Saul Bellow.  Unfortunately, I did not have the time this week to read the text; however, I seemed to understand the majority of the book at a much deeper level than my fellow peers did in my class.  The story, written in the 1940’s, was about a man’s personal search for meaning in a “diary-format.”  Throughout the man’s search he came to discover who he was as an individual and how “ugly” and “confused” he was in his own life and within society.  Throughout the entire class discussion about the story, all I could think about was my own personal search for meaning in my own life and how confusing and truly “ugly” my own actions, thoughts and life really are when written down and read back aloud to myself.  Like the main character in Bellow’s book, I have come to discover that although self-reflection is definitely needed in life; it is also an extremely frightening endeavor, as well.  

To be exposed to an individual’s thoughts and feelings is really one of the most personal and intimate situations that another person can encounter in their lives.  Thoughts and feelings truly reveal the heart and soul of a person; and when they are put out on display for others to see and learn about then that person being “exposed” is being just that—exposed for all to see.  And thus, the individual is also vulnerable for any and all attacks from those who take part in the viewing of that “individual’s exposure.”  

Now, it is one thing to be exposed to others and to be vulnerable to others’ “sticks and stones”; but, of course (what we have all come to learn over time…), that our harshest critics and the ones who we are most vulnerable to in life are actually our own selves.  We are our own worst enemies at times because not only are we responsible to live up to the expectations that others create for us; but, we are also responsible for living up to the expectations that we make for ourselves; as well as the expectations that we think that others expect for us. I admit that it all really gets extremely confusing to grasp at times, and it is in that same confusion that I then begin to read my own words with even more of a critical eye than any other person also reading my words.  And like the main character in the “Dangling Man,” I continually keep on setting crazy expectations for myself—which, in effect, continue to weigh down on me with even more additional stresses and restlessness—which I know I don’t need in my life. 

It is somewhat comical how similar my class’s reading was to my own inner turmoil of late; and my deep and odd understanding of Bellow’s character really seemed to intrigue my peers so much that I began to get weird looks from a few of them…however, in my mind, as I continued to relate the reading to my own life, I just continued to slip deeper into other literary and art examples of others who had also made the conscious decision to “discover their real meaning” in their own lives. And pretty much every example I referred to in my mind, usually seemed to end with a deeply unhappy person who eventually entered such an incredibly dark place in their own souls that they often found it quite difficult to find the “light” within themselves, in order to navigate their way out of “who they were” and into “who they should be.”

And as I continued to dwell on my dreary and dark side of self-reflection, I then felt my “mental breakdown” and stresses continue to build upon one another.  What have I been doing to myself???  I know that the actual act of self-reflection is a noble act—but, in all reality, it really doesn’t matter how much an individual truly inspects themselves and writes out all of their most intimate thoughts and feelings; if they still continue to read their actual actions and their own disgust with their actions; and yet, they still blatantly choose to continue to act in the same despicable way that they absolutely abhor to write and read about.  And as I write my thoughts out now, I am again coming to the realization that the majority of the problems, pain, and hurt that I keep going through in my life are predominately of my own doing...and not others’ doing.

Admittedly, my mental breakdown today (and others in the past) is all of my own doing and I really have no excuse to be complaining about it…yet again.  However, even though it is becoming a somewhat trying task to undertake; I am still also trying to genuinely search my own heart and soul out in order to become a “better me”—as difficult and dark as it may be to do from time to time...

      

Not Too Strong...

This will now be the 4^th time that I have attempted to write a blog entry within the last five days.  Although I have had the urge to write all weekend and have had ideas flowing through my mind like crazy about what I have wanted to write about; I have not been able to actually sit down, begin writing and then finish what I had started to write.  I have saved every single entry that I have begun writing over the last few days…some ranging in length from half a page to almost three pages; however, there has just not been a feeling of “completion” in any of them.

I don’t know exactly what it is that is wrong with me lately…I mean I pretty much have a general idea why I feel so “wishy-washy” about so many things the past week or so—but, I think that the primary reason why I have felt so restless about myself and my blogging is because I have been somewhat “down” about all that has happened within the last month or so of my life.  Unfortunately, I am also guilty of trying to hide everything that I have been feeling lately; only in order to come across as “strong” to others. 

Ever since I have begun telling others about my blog, I have received so many encouraging words and appreciation from so many people; however, one of the recurring remarks that I have kept receiving from others was that I am “so strong…”  And I think that, in a way, those words from others have created some kind of confusing "mental complex" within my mind that has caused me to want to guard my current pain and restlessness from myself, my blog and others who have come to expect a certain "strength" from myself and my words.

Although I know that type of thinking is so completely contrary to what my blog’s original intention was when I began; I guess that it is still just a part of my “human nature” to want to appear “ok” and “all pulled together” to (and for) everyone else. Though, in reality, I am completely falling apart inside and, as a result, emotionally deteriorating from the inside out because of my internal restlessness.  But I have come to realize that I can no longer hide my restlessness or pain from myself, my blog, or others any longer—because by the decision to withhold my true feelings, I am really only hurting myself now, and in the future.  Without my ability to sit and write all that my heart has been feeling and aching over; I have only grown more restless and stressed.  Again, it is the stupid idea of pleasing others—which I have struggled with my entire life—that has kept me restrained within my own personal prison.  Much of my internal restlessness this past week has stemmed not only from my physical move from my house to my apartment; but it has also come from the difficulty I have had in accepting the loss of my friendship with my “complicated friend” of the last few months. 

We form so many different kinds of relationships throughout our lives—some deep and meaningful and others shallow and plastic—and in some way or another, each person we encounter has some sort of impact on us.  Certain people who I have met over the last year of my life have just had far more of an impact on me than others.  Like anything else in life, there are just some people that we seem to relate to or “connect” with better, compared to others who we meet in our lives; and when we end up finding those common interests and similarities in others, then we try to hold tightly onto those people and relationships as long as we possibly can—at least I know that I do.  And honestly, that is probably where many of my relationship “problems” begin.  As I reflect on some of my past relationships, I seem to always form some kind of “attachment complex” to those people who I “click” with so well; so, as a result, I tend to scare many of those great people off…which somewhat defeats the entire purpose of “clicking” with someone in the first place.  And unfortunately, my “complicated friend” was exactly one of those people in my life who I had just “clicked” with so well…and then scared off. 

And, in a way, I am starting to feel pretty stupid about how upset I am over him and how much I am writing about him.  But, over the last few months, he had really become a very special and significant person in my life.  I am almost positive that he doesn’t feel the same way about me; but, the fact that he had been there for me during some of the most stressful times of my life has really seemed to attach my emotions to him quite strongly.  Unfortunately though, the fact that he is now not returning any of the texts or emails that I have sent him honestly kills me inside. Not only did I lose a guy who I had significant feelings for; but, I had also lost a great friend and confidant—and that hurts me even more.  Over the last few months, I have spent so much time with him—in person and in conversation—and now there is a huge vacuum and emptiness in my life in the places where he once was...because the spaces in which he previously filled, are now empty.  Even though I try to just think of all of the things I did by myself, prior to him coming into my life, it still has a very different feeling and element to all of the situations in which he was a part of my life (even though it was only for a short period of time). 

And now I am not sure how I am supposed to react to the “loss” of my friend.  I really do miss having him in my life; however, I know that I cannot force anybody to “want” to be in my life—and unfortunately, I know this difficult fact to be true because of my past experience with my ex-husband.  He left me after a marriage, a child, and almost 8 years of a deep and meaningful relationship; so, in reality, what am I really doing when I get so upset over a person walking out of my life, after only 3-4 months of being in it??? 

However, after reading over my words and current thoughts about my friend, I really do need to learn how to get a hold of my emotions when it comes to my involvement with others; because I am really only driving others away and hurting myself, as a result.  There are times when I am so incredibly strong when it comes to “doing without” certain people in my life; but then there are other times when I am a complete mess over the idea of losing someone dear to my heart.  Obviously, from past experience, I know that I will “eventually” be ok without certain people in my life; but, I also know that in the interim, I am really not too strong in these types of situations and the current loss still hurts…And it is in these moments that I hate “living and persevering through.” 

Change & Acceptance

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” ~ Unknown

So far, today has been a pretty bittersweet one.  And it is definitely beginning to establish its place in my mind as a day of long-awaited, yet painful change for two reasons. 

The first reason for my bittersweet day is due to my move from my house.  This entire week I have been rushing around trying to get all of my paperwork and belongings together for my move to my apartment today and this weekend.  Yet, as excited as I am about the new change and my new home; I am still feeling that all too-common tinge of heartache when I think about leaving my memories and once “ideal and perfect home” of 3 ½ years.  This morning, it was such an odd feeling I had as I drove out of my neighborhood with the thought that “today” would be the very last day that I will ever drive down these roads to get to work.  And even as annoying as the current traffic situation is on my commute to work; I know that I will definitely miss my daily drive down the beautiful rural “back roads” that I have come to know and love so well.

The second reason for my bittersweet day is due to the realization that my “close friend” who I have been taking a “break” from this week; is actually not who I initially thought he was.  Although I don’t think of him as being a bad person, in any way; I just don’t really think as highly of him as I once used to—mainly because of what was revealed to me through another friend of ours. 

Due to the pain I feel about the whole situation now, it almost makes it seem like the entire “complicated friendship” that we had experienced (both the good and bad times) and all of the drama that we had gone through together over the past few months seem like they were a complete waste of time.  In a way, I also feel like I was somewhat lied to and slightly used by him because of all of the trust that I put into him and stupidly thought that he deserved. 

Although I don’t blame him for everything that has gone wrong with our friendship—since I know that it takes two people to either make or break a friendship—I do wish that he would have handled the situation differently.  I really valued him as a person and a dear friend and I have always enjoyed the times we spent together, regardless of what we happened to be doing.  However, it was just always so difficult to know exactly what he was thinking of or about me…and his thought on whatever we “were” to one another.  He would say one thing to me, then his actions would say something completely different, and then some of our friends would then tell me something that he told them which was also completely different from everything else.  Thus, I have constantly been on pins and needles with him just during the short time that we have known one another. 

On the other hand, I also know that I am far from the perfect or normal one in this situation.  I admittedly over-reacted about plenty of dumb things that he said or did, even though I knew that I really had no place to act that way toward him.  I was a bit controlling at times and I am disappointed in myself for that, as well.  But then again, I don’t know if anything would have turned out differently today had I even acted differently toward him in the past.  However, I would still welcome the opportunity in a heartbeat to re-build a better and stronger friendship with him in the future—but, for now, I guess I just have to deal with what it is and has become now.  Either way though I have come to realize that this friendship (at least in the state it is in now) and part of my life is quickly coming to an end.

I guess if anything, these two long-awaited, yet painful changes are other ways (again) for me to just accept life’s changes as they are and move on with my head held high and ready for the next life event that comes my way.  Everything and everyone in life essentially have a time, a season, and a reason to be in our lives when they are—and although today’s situations hurt me—I am still thankful that my “ideal home” was perfect for me while I was there and that my “complicated friend” was there for me when I needed him the most.  Ultimately, this is just another fact of life that I have to unwillingly and painfully accept…