“Dropped the Mask”

“This blog is about my search for "me". I plan to attempt to "drop the mask" of my insecurity, fakeness, and societal pressures in order to bear my heart and soul and discover who I REALLY AM, rather than who I am SUPPOSED to be in others' eyes. Because until We Drop the Masks and all have faces, we will never truly know how wonderful life really is.” --DroptheMask blog profile, 1/6/11



Since I began my first blog, nearly nine months ago today, so much change has transpired in my life—both good and bad. The primary reason for the beginning of my blog so many months ago now was in order to create a healthy emotional outlet for all of the various life changes that I was going through. Since the start of my “DroptheMask” blog on January 6, 2011, I have lived through shock over the start of my ex-husband’s new life, several family deaths, countless petty heartbreaks, numerous adventures, confusing new relationships with old and new people, and the beginning of my life’s journey (and my new family) with the love of my life, Kyle.



Nine months ago, I would have never guessed that I would be where I am today—and, if given the choice, I honestly believe that I would not change anything about what I have gone through or the ways I took to get here. No—everything was not perfect; and Yes—many things could have been done far differently than they were; however, life lessons would probably have never been learned had one simple step been altered.



Throughout my “search” for me, I began to learn the art of truth-telling to the most important person ever—myself. And through my searching and learning process, I discovered that once I truly knew and understood who I was in my own life—then the discovery and understanding of others also came a lot easier than ever. During the realization of my actual thoughts and desires and through the “dropping of my own mask”, my actions and reactions to the sometimes confusing life situations became a lot clearer to me, as well. It was almost as if I was thinking with a far clearer mind than ever before. Admittedly, throughout this process, I may not have always made other people happy about (or even totally accepting of) my decisions—but for once, I was happy and completely content with the decisions I had chosen for myself.



All in all, I believe that my entire blog experiment was a very successful one—I discovered (and revealed) a ton about myself (whether I liked it or not), learned numerous things about others, renewed a passion for writing in my soul, and at times even touched others’ hearts with the very unveiling of my own. Oddly, ever since my last entry on my way to Hawaii, “Mahalo, My Love,” I have felt as if the “DroptheMask” chapter of my life has finally closed; and thankfully, I am now completely at peace with all that has happened during that phase of my life. Without a doubt, DroptheMask has served its purpose in my life and I now feel as if it has run its course for what I was originally seeking out to do during that specific time in my life. Although I still have a passion to write about my life and thoughts; I no longer feel that my new entries about my “new life” really belong in the same venue as my “DroptheMask” entries. My entire life has been transformed and I could not be happier. I have truly found love through the relationship with my new husband, Kyle—and more importantly, through the new true relationship with my self. As a result, I now realize that I am still very far from perfect; however, I have also come to accept that everybody else is in the same exact boat as me…



My New Life…. http://briefrecollections.blogspot.com

Mahalo, My Love

August 16, 2011

I am currently on the way to hawaii with my soon to be husband and true love of my life. Although our quickly-paced budding romance and "story" has been anything but "ordinary" in others' eyes; our profound love for one another has no doubt grown extremely strong and been absolutely true. And over the last four months of our whirlwind love, we had definitely heard and felt the surprise from many, the wrath of a few, and tough questions about our actual love for one another from several--including eachother. However, much to our enjoyment, our new love has not only survived through the fire of our trials; but it has also flourished and grown deeper and stronger, as a result.

As we now traverse across the country and several time zones, I now feel more reassured and at peace than ever about my decision to allow my heart to follow its proper course to fall in love with my best friend and the man of my dreams. And the incidents of this past week and a half--leading up to our departure to our wedding in Hawaii--have only reconfirmed and strengthened my love and commitment to who I know is truly the love of my life.

Over the past few days, I was contacted by my ex-husband and told (among other things) that he was tearfully sorry for all of the pain he had put me through in our bitter divorce a year and a half ago, as well as his confession that he had never stopped loving me and would only know true happiness and peace if we were back together and a family again. I was in utter disbelief and pain at the words he had said, as well as for the pain he was obviously going through. Although I had forgiven him and gotten over the pain he had caused me quite some time ago; it was still crazy to think that what I was hearing was actually happening.

I shared the phone conversation with my new fiance the day it happened and was sick to my stomach about the whole thing the rest of the week. However, the strength and compassion that my fiance had shown for and toward both us and my ex-husband had given me the peace and absolute confidence in the love that we have for one another, as well as the right mind and heart to speak kind and helpful words to my ex-husband throughout the remainder of the week. By the end of the entire odd ordeal, I was able to offer my ex-husband (and now my good friend again...) the right words and encouragement that he needed to hear during this emotional time in his life; as well as the assurance to my new fiance and soon to be "life partner" that I am his--and only his--for now and eternity.

What had started out as something completely unexpected and extremely scary at first last week (...much like the way our whirlwind love has been) had actually turned out to become something so beautiful for words to really explain. My love for my fiance grows each and every day and in ways that I had never known love could do. Now, with a few more hours left until we land in Hawaii, I can honestly say that my life is an absolute dream. No, everything is not perfect; but, with our wedding tomorrow, my son completely in love with his other "dada", and the upcoming birth of our own baby together in early March--I really don't have anything that I can rightfully complain about. I thank God for the crazy trials I have gone through (and learned from) the last year and a half of my crazy-beautiful life and the amazing people that He has put in my life each and every day--Because without either, I wouldn't be who I am today.

"Box of Chocolates"

“Life is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you are gonna get.”—Forrest Gump. 

I haven’t really “written” in quite a few months. As my life has continued to oddly wind down so many paths of uncertainty; I have been extremely busy and in a way kind of hiding from the reality of my situation.  The truth is, I am more in love now with my life and family than I have ever been before and I want to share my happiness with the entire world—yet, I know that much of my happiness has come to fruition because of the pain I have caused to others—and as much as I would like to just ignore it…I can’t.  If I ignore the reality of what had transpired then I am ultimately not being truthful or fair to myself or others—and I know that is no way to live.  As much as the truth hurts, it still must be acknowledged, told, and ultimately accepted.  

Ever since my life has changed for the better, I have felt convicted to share how the love of my life and I initially came together. He was a close friend of mine and he was unhappily married to another person when we first discovered our intense love for each other.  As much as we tried to avoid our growing feelings and love for one another at the time; we were still ultimately drawn together. And our drawing together eventually initiated a final falling apart of his marriage. Although I was not the sole reason for the breakup of their marriage—sadly, I was still one of the many reasons for it. 

As bad as it sounds, being on the “other side” of the situation, or really as the “other woman” (as much as I hate to say that…), allowed me to understand why my ex-husband did to me what he did and why I reacted in certain ways.  Sadly, in a way, I received a lot of closure from my awkward predicament because it was only then that I finally fully grasped how it felt on all sides and to all people involved—and, in the end, that genuinely allowed me to accept everything that I had gone through since that fateful February day in 2010. 

Saying all this, I’m in no way trying to rationalize or justify my actions to myself or to others because I know in a lot of peoples’ eyes it will always be wrong what we did.  In the end, yes, I am as guilty for somebody else’s pain as my ex-husband and his new wife were for mine over the last year and a half—and I am extremely remorseful for the pain that I have caused (much like I know my ex-husband is for the pain he had caused to me).  However, through my pain, just as I had come to realize that my ex-husband and I were not meant to be—I know that my love’s ex-wife will also come to eventually realize the same, as well.

I had never in my wildest dreams ever thought that I would experience the same painful situation (and the reverse of it) in my life—but, then again, why would anybody ever dream of such horrible situations for themselves or others?  But, regardless, it is what it is and it is now a part of my past and a part of me—and I accept it all and forgive myself completely—and I hope that one day she can do the same.  Even though I am not proud of the way my new fiancé and I began our relationship; I am still so happy that we are with one another today and ultimately, for the rest of our lives. 

In life, we never know what will come to us next or what we will ultimately have to endure in order to find happiness and peace.  Regrettably, it is almost certain that we will eventually make mistakes, hurt others, and have regrets; but, fortunately, that is what forgiveness is for.  And with each new day, we still must continue to oddly wind down the many paths of uncertainty in our lives (and as joyfully as we most possibly can)—otherwise, the only other choice left for us is emptiness and/or death. 

Weave into Others

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” –Pericles

Each and every day we encounter new people in our lives. While some may be engrained in our thoughts as we ponder on the day’s past activities; others may possibly never cross our minds ever again.  But what is interesting to think about are those people—whether they are complete strangers or close loved ones—who just happen to stick in our minds and stay in our hearts for one particular reason or another.      

The great Greek statesman, general, and orator, Pericles (495-429 BC), once stated, “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”  Often referred to as “the first citizen of Athens”, Pericles promoted the arts and literature and ruled Athenian society during the city’s Golden Age.  He was also primarily responsible for fostering Athenian democracy and building the foundations of the Acropolis (including the Parthenon). 

Although he was responsible for building some of the greatest monuments of both the Ancient and Modern Worlds—he still believed that it was more important for himself (as well as the citizens of Athens) to form strong and meaningful relationships with others.  In effect, he wanted to be remembered for the positive influence that he had woven into the lives of his fellow citizens; rather than what he had merely built with stone and mortar.  

Pericles was truly a magnificent man of his time for many reasons; yet, he primarily sticks in my mind and stays in my heart for the wonderful line that I am quoting now.  The examination of his quote helps me to think about and appreciate the valuable people in my own life—from both my past and my present. 

The noteworthy individuals who have woven into my life are all special to me and remembered for different reasons—some good and some bad.  And amazingly, many of those people may also never know the impact that they had made in my life or possibly even remember me at all in their own minds.  Yet, knowing that still does not change their importance to me one bit.  And although I am not always perfect with the way I speak and/or behave; I still try to stay cognizant of the fact that I could also potentially leave a lasting impression on someone else—whether I ever know about it or not.

Nobody is perfect—yet, each and every day, we all still have the same opportunity that Pericles had to make a positive difference in the lives of others. We may not have the political access or the financial backing to build some of the greatest monuments or works of art ever; but, we all do have the choice to weave meaning throughout and form lasting and meaningful relationships with others around us.  

"Good Morning..."

May 31, 2011

“Good morning, baby…I love you so much”—Just like every other glorious morning spent with the love of my life—today’s sweet words whispered in my ear were no different than any other.  Every morning for the last two months I have been experiencing an absolute dream come true.  Each day I have had the blessed opportunity to both fall asleep  and wake up next to my soul mate and best friend—and it has been complete perfection. 

However, early this morning, complete perfection was surpassed when I lived what every girl dreams of and wishes her entire life for—today, I was asked to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams.  I experienced the perfect marriage proposal from my one true love.

This entire weekend leading up to this morning was an absolutely perfect one spent with several family and friends.  We all had a complete blast with one another and the time that my love and I spent together was a dream, like always.  Every moment spent with those we love was memorable and each moment we spent together was almost unreal and out of this world. 

It is miraculous how deep our love runs for each other.  This past weekend was filled with incredible and emotionally-charged conversation about our love for one another and our remarkable future together.  We are both so amazed and blessed with the fact that we have found one another.  The profound bond that we share melts our hearts daily and helps us to appreciate every past experience that we had to go through in order to be with one another today.  Although we often dread thinking about every moment that we have spent apart up until this point; we still try to make it a point to reminisce on how empty and mundane our lives were prior to him and I becoming “us”.

Although we care for our families and friends and value their opinions, in general; we have both also learned and decided through our previous marriages, that we cannot live our lives any certain way in order to please those who care and love for us.  Just because people love us, they still are NOT “us”.  At the end of the day, WE are the only ones who live our lives and know what is best for ourselves; so, why should we be stuck in purgatory living each and every day unhappy with the wrong people and lifestyle?  Sadly, we have both already been there and done that; yet, as a result, we now have fortunately learned our lessons and have thankfully found each other in the process. 

While every moment spent together is treasured; the mornings have always been the most cherished part of the days we share.  I am not quite sure how or why the mornings have become so special for the two of us—but, for whatever reason, it has been a great bonding time for us ever since we began waking up next to one another.  Maybe it is because we are both morning people or maybe it is due to the fact that we both feel as if we are living in a dream life now and the sheer presence of the other after sleep is at times hard to believe; either way, EVERY morning is a GOOD MORNING for us.  J  And now, our mornings together have been given even more significance because of the wonderful marriage proposal that we shared together today. 

Since we have been discussing our marriage to one another since the first week we had ever kissed; we had already also agreed that the “perfect proposal” would simply be something truly from the heart and an event that only the two of us would share together.  Neither of us wanted any attention from others—no onlookers, family, friends, or strangers—we only wanted one another’s attention on each other.  We didn’t want to share OUR special moment with any other person.  And this morning, Tuesday, May 31, 2011, the love of my life accomplished the truly “perfect proposal” in our bedroom.   

As we lay cuddled close in bed, wrapped in each other’s arms, the sun shined brightly in on us as the two of us smiled and breathed each other in.  After looking into one another’s eyes and sharing our love for each other—like our glorious morning routine every other amazing day—he then began to slowly move out of bed toward the front of the room.  However, since I only thought he was getting up to use the restroom or freshen his breath; I then found myself in total shock when he leaned on one knee and expressed his love to me with a ring in his hand at the side of our bed.  My heart fluttered with excitement at the sheer shock and pure joy of what I was experiencing at that moment.  Everything was absolutely perfect!  And as I whispered “yes” into his ear during our loving embrace, I just could not get over how absolutely thankful I was for the amazing man whom I had been so greatly blessed with—now and for eternity.

The love of my life and my best friend is now my fiancé and I couldn’t be happier.  Even though our dating time period had been brief; our friendship has always been extremely solid. And the fact that we were both so dearly in love with one another prior to our courtship makes it feel as if we have been together and in love forever.  I love him so extremely much and I couldn’t be happier…and I know that he feels exactly that same about me.  Ultimately, our wedding, like our proposal, will also only be us—because in the end, it is only our love for one another and our bond, alone—that will increase and deepen the rare love that we share.  From the very beginning of our work relationship and then into our special friendship and what we have now, we both knew that there was something different about one another.  We had constantly felt some common connection to each other and we could never exactly figure out what it was until now.  Early this morning, we confirmed that we are soul mates and that we will soon be life-long partners, as husband and wife.

Happiness

A great Greek philosopher named Epictetus (AD 55-AD 135) was once recorded as saying, "There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will."  His philosophy was rooted in his belief that although life is ultimately controlled by fate; individuals still have the ability and freedom to choose how they react to every fateful life situation they encounter. Being raised and traded as a slave in his early life and then crippled in his later years; Epictetus thus decided early on that he, alone, was the only one who could determine his life’s level of happiness and worry. 

In comparison to Epictetus’ life and times, happiness seems so elusive to many people in this world of ours.  For some reason or another, the human race has always seemed to have issues (both minor and major) when it comes to the simple enjoyment and sheer pleasure of everyday life and living. 

Regrettably, the act of worrying about matters beyond one’s own control has stolen happiness’s place and taken center stage in many individual’s minds and hearts.  In effect, the worry then goes on to create extra stress and anxiety in not only each individual’s life; but also in the lives of others who care for them and whom they are involved with on a daily basis.  Thus, happiness is compromised and replaced in order for worry to flourish and destroy. 

Unfortunately, life is not always perfect every single day we are on this earth; but, the good thing is that many of us have already realized this “golden life lesson” through many years of living and our own past experiences.  And with this “golden life lesson”, we—like Epictetus—have hopefully also come to know that we are the only ones who can truly determine our own happiness, as well as what we choose to worry and not worry about.  Effectively, we are the “masters of our own fate / happiness / life”—and we, alone, have the power to control the way we perceive and react to any and every life situation (regardless of whether or not they are good or bad for us).

So, like Epictetus, we too can all decide whether or not we will choose happiness or worry or something else for each of our lives and days on this earth.  Although Epictetus’ life was not perfect, he still chose to make it the best possible life that he could—and ultimately, it is in our own power to do the same for ourselves. 

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will."  ~Epictetus

Gratitude & Appreciation

In today’s world, gratitude and appreciation are often concepts that fall by the wayside during the chaos of everyday life and routines.  We all, for the most part, realize that life is a special gift and that the relationships that we foster within our daily living are something to be valued.  However, many of us also find ourselves far too busy to take the time to sit down, think, and truly assess and appreciate the countless aspects of all of the precious gifts we have in each of our lives.

Unfortunately, we are not awaken to many of our lives’ blessings until something tragic or uncomfortable takes place—until we are faced with the possibility that we may lose the very blessings which we never truly realized we had in the first place.  Many times, it is only then—when life seems that it is at its toughest—that relationships, situations, and life, itself, actually seem to recapture their true meanings and really make sense again.  Sadly, it is in those times of confusion and pain, when absolute gratitude and appreciation for life (and everything and everyone in it) begin to come into focus, sometimes even clearer than they ever were before.

Yet, even though many of us may need to go through some form of loss in order to grasp the significance of the greatest parts of our lives; in all reality, the best part of life is that we actually do have the opportunity AT ALL TIMES of our life to exercise our gratitude and appreciation for all that we have been blessed with.  So, with these words, I hope to encourage you all to live life to the fullest and with the utmost gratitude and appreciation for all that you have and for all whom you know.  Because without full gratitude and absolute appreciation in life—while you are living it—you will never truly know what you have until it is gone.

Gratitude (a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation)

Appreciation, grasp, hold (understanding of the nature or

meaning or quality or magnitude of something)

(http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=gratitude)

Our Fateful Love

It’s been nearly one month since the last time I blogged and, like always, so much has happened.  Once again, life always has a funny way of teaching us lessons which we never thought we would ever learn or even understand—and sometimes in the most peculiar ways.  Within the last 30 days or so, I have surprisingly found my soul mate and fallen in love in ways I never knew existed; and during the process, I have also discovered more about myself than I had ever dreamed possible.

Through fate (and complex life situations), I have been blessed in the rare occasion of falling in love with my best friend and complete soul mate.  Without any manipulation of situations, others, or myself, I have been unknowingly and perfectly paired with the love of my life—all while neither of us even saw it coming.  Although we have “known of” one another for the last four years and have been relatively close acquaintances/friends over the last year or so; it has only been the last few months since we began sharing such a deep and special connection with one another. 

He is the first and only man whom I had completely fallen in love with, both as an individual and as a dear friend, far before our lips ever met in a kiss.  Our first embrace was absolutely incredible and shared only after our true feelings for one another were revealed.  And thankfully, through our countless heart-to-hearts with each other, I am comforted to know that he feels the same exact way about me—not one part of our relationship is one-sided or fake.  The sleepless nights we spend together in endless conversation about our lives apart, our life together and just life in general, only validates our hearts’ connections to one another with each passing day.  I continuously find myself daydreaming and yearning for the next moments we will be together—because I can never seem to get enough of him and everything we share.  I have never experienced any relationship as genuine or comfortable as the one I share with my soul mate at this very moment in my life. 

Although both of us have a myriad of faults and complicated situations attached to our individual lives; the love that we share as one is so incredibly perfect that its greatness while we are together ultimately makes up for all that we lack while we are apart.  Every moment spent together only strengthens our connection to one another’s heart; and even though the majority of our family and friends believe that we are “crazy” or are “moving far too fast” to be as deeply in love as we are—in the end, we both know that no other person will probably ever understand “us”, the depth of our love for each other, or why we feel what we feel.  Like everything else in life, it really doesn’t matter what others think or say, because the people “looking in” from the outside never really were meant to understand “the inside” of others’ lives in the first place anyway. 

Many of the current situations that we are finding ourselves in have been pretty difficult and huge stressors in our new life together; however, we have both come to the conclusion that our genuine connection, sincere love, and ultimate future together are worth more to us than anything else that stands in our way.  And in all reality, we both sincerely agree that we must fight for the things that truly matter in life—because, ultimately, the best things in life are not free or even simply attained in the first place. 

May 9, 2011

It’s been nearly one month since the last time I blogged and, like always, so much has happened.  Once again, life always has a funny way of teaching us lessons which we never thought we would ever learn or even understand—and sometimes in the most peculiar ways.  Within the last 30 days or so, I have surprisingly found my soul mate and fallen in love in ways I never knew existed; and during the process, I have also discovered more about myself than I had ever dreamed possible.

Through fate (and complex life situations), I have been blessed in the rare occasion of falling in love with my best friend and complete soul mate.  Without any manipulation of situations, others, or myself, I have been unknowingly and perfectly paired with the love of my life—all while neither of us even saw it coming.  Although we have “known of” one another for the last four years and have been relatively close acquaintances/friends over the last year or so; it has only been the last few months since we began sharing such a deep and special connection with one another. 

He is the first and only man whom I had completely fallen in love with, both as an individual and as a dear friend, far before our lips ever met in a kiss.  Our first embrace was absolutely incredible and shared only after our true feelings for one another were revealed.  And thankfully, through our countless heart-to-hearts with each other, I am comforted to know that he feels the same exact way about me—not one part of our relationship is one-sided or fake.  The sleepless nights we spend together in endless conversation about our lives apart, our life together and just life in general, only validates our hearts’ connections to one another with each passing day.  I continuously find myself daydreaming and yearning for the next moments we will be together—because I can never seem to get enough of him and everything we share.  I have never experienced any relationship as genuine or comfortable as the one I share with my soul mate at this very moment in my life. 

Although both of us have a myriad of faults and complicated situations attached to our individual lives; the love that we share as one is so incredibly perfect that its greatness while we are together ultimately makes up for all that we lack while we are apart.  Every moment spent together only strengthens our connection to one another’s heart; and even though the majority of our family and friends believe that we are “crazy” or are “moving far too fast” to be as deeply in love as we are—in the end, we both know that no other person will probably ever understand “us”, the depth of our love for each other, or why we feel what we feel.  Like everything else in life, it really doesn’t matter what others think or say, because the people “looking in” from the outside never really were meant to understand “the inside” of others’ lives in the first place anyway. 

Many of the current situations that we are finding ourselves in have been pretty difficult and huge stressors in our new life together; however, we have both come to the conclusion that our genuine connection, sincere love, and ultimate future together are worth more to us than anything else that stands in our way.  And in all reality, we both sincerely agree that we must fight for the things that truly matter in life—because, ultimately, the best things in life are not free or even simply attained in the first place. 

April 14, 2011.

April 14, 2011

“Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way.” ~ Unknown

It has always been amazing to me how much of a difference only one person can make in someone else’s life—both for the better and for the worse.  Just a simple smile, an open ear, or a willing heart at times has the ability to change one’s life forever. 

As human beings, we were emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually designed for companionship and connection with other people.  We were surely not designed to stay quiet, closed up, or shut out and away from those who are so much like ourselves—that would be absolute hell on earth for anybody to endure.  Yes, I admit that it is vital for people to also have a certain amount of “alone time” in order to gather their thoughts and figure their own selves out in due time; however, once that self-awareness (and etc.) are found in one’s life, then it is time again to be reunited with other individuals. 

In my own life, I am very much one who enjoys both my “alone time” as well as great company with others.  However, “great” company to me is sometimes far different from what some may perceive as a fun time with others.  For myself, I consider “great company” to be someone who I can both have fun with and actually “philosophize” with about society, philosophy, religion, history—and really just life, in general.  If I am unable to carry an interesting conversation with someone then I feel as if I am not only wasting my time—but, the other person’s time, as well.  So, for me, it is often quite difficult to find other like-minded people with whom I feel comfortable enough to trust and relate to.

However, when those people are found, then I automatically am drawn to them.  And for better or for worse, I often seem to form an immediately deep bond and connection with them in a very short period of time.  Although the majority of the bonds formed are purely platonic; I often worry and sometimes learn that my incredibly quick and closely formed friendships are somehow doomed for eventual failure, for one reason or another.

Lately, I have managed to form a pretty amazing friendship with a phenomenal person, whom in the past; I would have never thought I had so much in common with.  However now, I literally cannot seem to get enough of him in my life—and, in all reality, he is the absolute epitome of “great company” in my eyes.  Every moment spent with him never really seems to last long enough for me. 

During the short period of time that we have spent together, I have been so greatly encouraged and inspired to believe in myself again.  My new friend and I discuss just about anything and everything under the sun and we always have an absolute blast in the process.  I can honestly say that I have quite possibly not had so much fun with one person, like I have had with him, for several years now.  I actually often lose count of the number of times that I burst out in uncontrollable laughter while I am with him.  Yet, although a large portion of our time is spent in laughing; we also seem to find ourselves in some of the most meaningful life conversations, as well.  Even though I am quite open and honest about many of my life situations and past with just about any person I speak to—with him, I actually feel as if I can sincerely share some of my current innermost thoughts and fears, without any judgment or shame. 

I know that I have somewhat of a problem when it comes to placing too much of my trust in others; and prior to my new friendship I had actually begun to withdraw from old friends and reveal far less to others about what was both on my mind and in my heart.  I had closely come to the point of giving up and accepting the fact that nobody really cared very much about what I thought and felt, for whatever reason.  But, thankfully, my new friend has helped to change my perspective.  

Yet, unfortunately, as our very friendship continues to grow with each passing day; my fear of losing our remarkable connection—as well as him completely—grows proportionately.  And I am honestly not quite sure what I should do.   As the weeks quickly pass by, it almost feels as if we both have been quietly sensing an outside tension that is on its way over to eventually tear apart all that we have shared together.  However, even though we both know that it is eventually coming—we instead mindfully choose to just enjoy our amazing connection together for as long as we can. 

Of all of the new friendships that I have experienced since my divorce, my new friend already sits in the “top three” of the best friends that I have had.  I definitely do not want to lose him and what we have because he has made such a worthwhile and positive difference in my life.  Truthfully, I just hope that I am being extremely paranoid and pessimistic about all of this right now—however, in my heart, I also know that “nothing gold can stay.”  But I certainly do hope that I am wrong and that my new friendship is able to continue as long as it possibly can…      

"Nothing Gold Can Stay"

“I’m sorry that it had to come to this.” --February 2, 2010

That was the single text and only explanation that I have ever received from my now ex-husband on the night that he left me for someone else.  As soon as I had read those words, I knew that my life was about to change forever.  Everything that I had ever known and depended on in my life was on the very brink of alteration—all through the simple transmission of those nine heart-breaking words.  

As soon as I laid my eyes on my phone screen, I collapsed into the fetal position on my floor—out of breath and in complete shock.  Even at that point, I knew it was over.  Once I regained enough energy to speak, I let out a wail of grief and hate toward him and everything good that I thought he once stood for.  At that moment, I hated him and everything about him for what he was about to put myself, our families, and especially our son through.  I full-heartedly admit that I was not the best wife, mother, or person ever—but, who really is???  Regardless of what he thought about me or our relationship; I at least thought that I deserved to know why and how it had all fallen apart.  Yet, to this very day, I still remain without any answer at all.

Whether it was ultimately for the best or the worst that the reasons behind my divorce were never divulged to me—knowing myself and what all has happened in my life, up to this point, I am somewhat guessing that everything had happened exactly the way that it needed to.  Oddly enough, I quickly learned to accept the fact that I would most likely never find out the why or the how behind the dissolution of my marriage—one of the biggest changes of my life.  Whether it was due to the difficult legal circumstances surrounding our separation or the hurt in my heart toward him and the entire situation that had so quickly unfolded; I, somehow in some way, was (and still am) absolutely fine with not knowing one detail at all about what had happened to my husband prior to that fateful night.

Ever since the heart-breaking text was sent to me, I have been on an odd (and at times, very painful) journey of learning how to deal with and accept change. 

Everything changes.  Nothing gold can stay.  The only sure thing that we can count on being the same in life—is that nothing ever stays the same.  Both good and bad come and go—regardless of what we want and/or need. 

Of course, I have always heard the mantras of “change”—we all have.  Yet, I had never before experienced so much change in my life and in such a short period of time, prior to receiving my ex-husband’s infamous text.  Although in the past, I had somewhat of a fear of change—my latest life experiences have gradually revealed to me that fearing change only makes change, and life itself, worse off.  Change is inevitable.  And it will happen whether we want it to or not.  Situations change…people change…places change…ideas change—life changes.  And really, the only way to overcome change is to accept it. Nothing more and nothing less.

Since the “text of change” was sent to me, I have had several different waves of situations, people/relationships and ideas cycle in and out of my life.  Initially, I had become relatively upset when certain people would exit my life or specific life situations either began or ended.  Something in my life would quickly change and I would ultimately lose it and breakdown from the effects of yet another “loss” in my life.  I would be so devastated at times that the only thing I thought I could do to escape the pain of the losses would be to turn to unhealthy and unneeded self-destructive habits.  So, as the “cycle” went: change set in, I was emotionally destroyed (yet again), and additional self-destruction followed until some other suitable “wave of interest” came my way.  Then with time, the cycle would commence, like before.

This unhealthy way of life and fear of change was a continuous cycle for me…up until lately when I began to stop, think and realize (through the help of some great people, books, and self-reflection) that change is actually what makes life as awesomely great (and/or incredibly horrible) as it is!  And no matter how I feel about change or what I do to cope with it or avoid it—it is still going to happen. 

After so many heartbreaks, pain, frustrations, embarrassing situations, and the initial text that began the ultimate change of all changes in my life—I am finally beginning to change my perspective on actual change, itself.  As a result, I am thankfully beginning to actually “change” myself.  Fortunately, the cyclical waves of situations, people/relationships, and ideas that have been coming and going in my life, as of late, are actually beginning to become more bearable each time they make both their entrances and exits. 

As weird as it may sound, I am now starting to see the coming and going of change as more of a blessing than a loss.  Through change, I am actually learning how to appreciate the actual “objects” (i.e., situations, people/relationships, ideas…) and experiences involved in the changes—both while I am in the actual moment, as well as when the “object” is removed from my life (whether it’s a temporary or a permanent removal).  Change has really started to become such an extraordinary teacher and friend to me; and because of this, I am often quite moved by the realization that all of this actual change within me and in my life ultimately originated from the life-changing text that initially broke my heart and took my breath away. 

The words in the “text of change” have been forever engrained into both my mind and heart in so many ways and for so many reasons.  The short nine-word text that had initially left me with no answers behind the why or how of my divorce—fortunately, also helped to provide several unfortunate circumstances and vital unanswered questions which gradually allowed “change” to make its proper place in my life. 

So, today my reply to the text, “I’m sorry that it had to come to this.”—would just simply be, “Thank you.”

Straddling the Fence

Lately I have felt as if I don’t really belong anywhere, in particular.  Almost as if I am constantly just straddling the fence of life among the many different groups of friends, acquaintances, family members, and “life titles/roles.”  I just don’t seem to “fit in” with one particular group of people at all. 

When I hang out with married friends I feel like the odd one out because I am divorced.  With my young, single friends I am the one with a child.  When I was in school, I was the one who had already graduated and who was there “just for fun.”  At work, I am seen as one of the “supervisors,” so not really trusted whole-heartedly.  And in my family, I am just seen as unsettled and confused.  Everywhere and anywhere I go, I am never “one of them”—I am always the “other.”

This past weekend, I went to a birthday party for one of my sister’s friends and seemed to initially “blend in” with the crowd.  I have known many of her friends for several years now; so most of the time, I can usually feel pretty comfortable with them during a night out.  However, once the effects of the alcohol subsided, I then began to feel that all too common “out of place” tinge of uneasiness again.  And as I looked around my surroundings, I started to question my motives of why I was even there to begin with. 

Even though I hadn’t really spent much time with my sister and her old friends in quite a while; in my heart, I knew that I was in the wrong place.  I felt that I should have been at home with my son instead.  Yes, it was the middle of the night and yes he was asleep when I left him with my mother that night anyway; however, I only seem to feel that true sense of belonging when I am with him.  When I am apart from the light of my life—that is when I feel the least like myself and most out of place. 

But, oddly enough, this feeling of inadequacy in groups is actually a feeling that I have had for quite a while now; and it has always seemed to present itself in some way or another in my past, as well.  It only seems that now—most likely due to some of the awkward situations I’ve encountered—that I have become more aware of it. 

However, even in “out of place” moments, I still seem to find a way to make do and find common ground with whichever group I am a part of at the time.  And it is then in those moments—when I am truly not in my element and still relatable to many—that I begin to question whether or not I am really the only one who is feeling inadequate among the others.  I know I am not a shy person and I usually do quite well at “faking it” and getting along with many people of different backgrounds; so, it really does boggle my mind when I actually sit down and think about how many other people are actually “faking it,” as well. 

The fact that so many of us so often feel out of place, but still choose to go with the flow of the crowd and act like we all belong is such a weird habit of human nature.  I know that we were all created to look for like-minded people and groups in which we find similar interests and dislikes. Yet, when it really comes down to it, how many of us are really just pretending to be someone else in order to “fit in” with one group or another?  How many people are unwillingly, yet freely, choosing to give up all that they really believe in just to make a few other people think differently of them?  How many of us are missing out on our true happiness because we are far too often preoccupied with making unimportant situations better and worthless people temporarily satisfied, instead?

Through several heart-to-hearts with some genuinely honest people, I have fortunately learned that I am not alone in this “out of place” feeling.  In a way, I think that we all have many situations in which we never truly feel “right” in where we are in life or just not “right” in our very own skin.  To me, it’s somewhat funny how we often just go through our every day acting as if nothing in the world is bothering us or that life is absolutely perfect.  Although I admit that it is, at times, extremely difficult to seriously follow-through with just “being ourselves”; I still think that we should at least try to make some attempt to stop lying to ourselves and each other when it comes to the occasional uneasiness we feel with others, as well as alone. 

Yes, it is part of human nature to want “to belong”—yet, it still doesn’t make it right to live a lie in both others’ eyes and our own.  To be labeled the “other” is not always the greatest experience, but it is also not the worst.  Straddling the fence can be a bit painful and uncomfortable from time to time; however, being completely stuck on the wrong side of the fence can be absolute misery and hell on earth.  True, I may feel as if I don’t belong in any particular group or place right now; but then again, this “out of place” feeling may just be the exact place where I need to be at this point of my life.

Stealing Caden's Kisses

My son is one of the most incredible creatures I have ever known.  Although he often drives me completely nuts; I know that his craziness most likely stems from his amazingly magnetic personality and gigantic heart of love.

I have always been the type of person to rush through every part of my life—both good and bad—I am terrible at “living in the moment”; yet, lately every time I am with my son, time cannot seem to slow down quick enough for me to enjoy every millisecond that I have with him.  Due to my unfortunate parenting custody situation, I have had to become a “part-time parent” in order for my son to enjoy both of his parents in his life.  I would never want him to miss out on the experiences that only a father and son can share together, so I unwillingly agree to part with my son every other week in order to follow the terms of our 60/40 parenting plan. 

However, the shortened amount of time that I now am forced to spend with my wonderful son has actually become somewhat of a painful blessing in disguise.  Through the time lost with my son, I have had to learn how to focus the little time spent with him on the actual quality, rather than the quantity (…as corny as it may sound).  And the precious moments that I have spent with him over the past few weeks have been so special to me that at times his simple presence and adorable smile have brought unexpected tears of happiness to my eyes.  He is so inspiring, yet so unaware of the impact that he has on me and in my life.  His innocence simply humbles me and makes me want to be a better person, in general.

This past weekend, he has melted my heart in so many ways.  His inquisitiveness and care for others never gets old and his curiosity always seems to crack up every single person around us.  The joy that overcomes his expression when he sees me gives so much meaning to my life in so many ways. Yesterday while I was teaching him to swim underwater, he was more than excited to mimic my every move involved with going under.  To be able to “do what mommy did,” all by himself gave him so much self-confidence and pride that he had to show every single person in the house. 

And as he continuously circled the small hot tub in which we were practicing his new skill, I couldn’t help but steal little kisses from him every time he came near me.  Although he was intensely focused on improving his new water trick, he still willingly decided to take his time and concentration away from it in order to fulfill my very own need for his love and attention.  I just couldn’t get enough of his sweet and slimy kisses yesterday and the fact that I knew I would not be seeing him for the next five days made me treasure each and every one of them even more.  Just to stare in his bright blue eyes and to hug his tiny pale body next to mine each time we embraced filled me with so many emotions, both yesterday and still today.  He is such a handful to deal with when I have him; but he is also so sorely missed when he is away. 

Oddly enough, the phrase “Stealing Caden’s kisses” has become one of the foremost thoughts on my mind over the last few months.  I am not quite sure why I even began thinking about any phrase at all; yet, it has somehow come to epitomize a main theme in my life when my son is involved.   

In a way, I think that I am beginning to realize that life truly is so short, futile and meaningless in so many ways; however, the few important things that actually do exist in our lives are nothing to play around with.  Those things that are so vital to our daily existence, like my son is to mine, are the things that we are willing to steal, kill and destroy for—nothing more and nothing less.  Time is so fleeting—especially time with my son—and even though my time with him has unfortunately been cut short from what it once was; I have thankfully come to know that he actually is the only thing in my life that is truly worth more than life itself. 

Beers & Long Runs

I haven’t written in my blog for quite awhile and I am not sure of the ultimate reason why…I don’t really know if I can attribute my “lack of writing credit” to my lack of initiative, ultimate shyness, inevitable busyness, outright shame, or just pure laziness—but, for whatever reason, I have not been held very accountable to my writing and/or “venting process” like I ultimately should have been. 

Although I am a fairly open person regarding many personal details of my life (primarily when I am writing in my blog, talking to a complete stranger, or drinking in a bar with a somewhat close friend…), I also often try to pretend that the sometimes intimate conversations discussed never happened afterward.  Many times, once I let somebody “see the real me” or “into my heart,” I then fear finding out what the person actually does think about me—as an actual “individual”—whether the feedback about me is good or bad.  For some reason or another, I am just so scared to know what people truly think about me either way, regardless.  I am so afraid of allowing people the opportunity to truly get to know me—as “me.”  I have been so hurt so many times before that now I just feel as if I have subconsciously allowed myself to become so disillusioned to the idea that good people still do exist in this world…and actually do care about what I think and feel.  Yet, lately I somehow unknowingly managed to have trusted someone else…to have proven me and my subconscious ideas wrong. 

Within the last few weeks, I have gotten pretty close with an acquaintance of mine through running.  Primarily, over the past several days, we had begun running extremely long distances and sharing our lives with one another to pass the time.  At first, our runs had begun as something pretty shallow; yet, as I began to speak more with him, I soon realized how much of a truly deep and remarkable person he was. 

Even though our runs have always been completely innocent and purely at a friendship level—I still remained somewhat unsettled by the fact that I was unsure whether I was someone’s “little secret” or not.  Yes, I admit that I definitely had my doubts whether or not his wife knew about our daily runs together; yet, I did not really know how to bring the awkward conversation up to him.  But, I knew how it felt, firsthand, to be the one who was “kept in the dark” about “the other woman” in my own husband’s life.  And after my ex left me, I had made a promise to myself that I would never subject any other person to the torment and pain that I had gone through just so I could experience some temporary pleasure or happiness.  My conscience would never be able to live with itself, period. Yet, somewhere inside of me, as I ran on my long runs with my new running partner, I felt that he was different from others.  I felt that he was different from my husband.  And thankfully, I was right. 

Tonight, over some beers and during our heart to heart run, he shared with me that his wife knew all about our runs and that she was completely cool with it.  And from that point on, I felt as if a pound of bricks had been lifted off of me.  Although, in my heart, I had known that he is one of the most genuine people I have ever talked to; realistically, I had also known that the truth never really comes out until the actual “questions” are asked.  And thankfully, I am so glad to say that my new friend had successfully and honorably passed the “test.”  And through our conversations, I was also fortunate enough to realize that actual love and trust still does exist between couples—including my friend and his wife. 

My friendship with him has truly blossomed over such a short period of time and I feel so connected with him on so many different levels that at times it feels somewhat eerie…Not only has my actual running pace and mileage improved since I began running with him; but, so has my perspective of others…and myself, in a way.  No, he is not perfect—but, who really is??? …And who really cares???  I am coming to discover that he is an absolutely amazing person in so many ways and my respect and adoration for him only seem to grow more with each passing day.  Although he is happily married and busy with his own life and issues; the fact that he doesn’t mind taking the time to get to know me and who I am as a person has truly touched my heart.  He has really helped me to believe that good people still do exist in the world.  Just over the few weeks that I have gotten to know him as who he is; I have somewhat regained so much more confidence in the actual person of who I really am, as well. 

Yes, reading through all of this now, it almost seems as if I am placing too much trust and actual friendship into this person (much like I have sadly and gullibly done with others in the past); however, you really never know about people until you give them a chance.  And the chance can never truly be given until you trust them with some part of yourself.  Yes, there is the chance that I may get hurt, yet again; but, there is also a chance that I may gain a great new friend and a myriad of new life lessons learned.  And, if anything—for the time being—he has at least given me another reason to believe in myself and my dreams…and well, that at least has to count for “something” right now. 

"Yes, I'm a Quitter"

I have never been a quitter.  Just about anything and everything that I have ever started, I have followed through with and finished in the end.  Whether it be school, sports, hobbies, or my marriage—once I say that I am fully committing myself to something—then I remain fully committed until the end—regardless of what unforeseen changes may come along the way.  I. Never. Quit…At least I never used to quit—but, now I am beginning to realize that in certain situations quitting may actually be the right decision to make and action to pursue.  For I am learning, that it is better to be a “happy quitter” then a “miserable finisher”. 

In the past, my pride (for the most part) had always seemed to keep my actions from following many of my heart’s desires to quit certain endeavors or relationships in which I was obligated to.  I do not regret any of the decisions or actions of my past; however, now I am coming to the realization that both situations and people change—and I am neither exempt nor immune from either of those.  And when a change occurs in one aspect of life, then that change will most likely have an effect on another aspect of life, as well.  And like everything else in my life (and life, in general), my current life situation and goals have changed.  As a result, I have been confronted with new options to choose and decisions to make. 

By last May/ June, I had become extremely involved with the partying, drinking, and dating scenes and I had far too much time on my hands during the times that my son was with his father.  At the time, I was intentionally going out non-stop and filling my schedule up with bad habits in order to fill the empty times I was alone.   I was doing anything I could to avoid the pain that I had been shunning since my husband had left and my son had been split between the two of us.  Although I was somewhat satisfied with the fact that I was “staying busy”—I certainly was not satisfied with myself.  Due to many of the self-destructive “coping” methods that I had chosen, I was only creating larger problems for myself in the long-run if I had continued down the same path.  Needless to say, I then began to search for new ways to kill time and avoid my pain.  And within about a week or two of my new search, I had decided to register to run my first half-marathon and to also go back to college again to earn a second Masters Degree and potentially a PhD.  Like always, I was an extreme goal-setter and dream-maker and I figured that this time it would be no different.  I had always set high goals and successfully accomplished them in the end—and when school was involved I had always been in the clear and done extremely well, no matter what.  And when it came to the half-marathon goal, I figured that I was absolutely fine as well, since I had a good six months or so for the race training.   

However, I naively failed to account for the fact that my new “life situations”—such as, the addition of my son, my new status and responsibilities as a single mom, and my new job duties and supervisory position at work—would most likely contribute to many inconvenient time constraints and additional unneeded life stresses. 

So, now here I am, almost one year later and I have since raced in two half-marathons and numerous 5k’s and 10k’s.  Although I did not train as much as I should have—I still stuck with my running goals and completed them.  Unfortunately, when it comes to my return to school, I pretty much failed miserably at it…My schedule was far too packed with all of my “real life” duties and obligations.  In order to successfully devote myself to my school work I ended up putting many of my top priority tasks on the back burner, so all I ended up doing most of the time was stress out about everything I didn’t have time to do.  I had definitely stretched myself too thin and I have now come to discover that I actually CANNOT do it all, like I once thought I could—And I am actually completely OK with this fact.  So, this week I made the decision to withdraw from my current college class and put in for a leave of absence from my current Masters degree. 

Of course, I was a bit down about quitting my classes because I greatly enjoyed the intellectual camaraderie and stimulation of the class discussions; however, I was also completely relieved with the thought that I now have one less task on my schedule to worry about finishing.  But, I definitely still think that going back to school this last year was the best decision for me at the time.  I needed some kind of goal in my life, a creative outlet to write, and something just to occupy my time, in general—and school provided it for me and I cherish those times that I had there.  Fortunately, I am now beginning to settle into my new place, new job, and new life and changes are starting to take place when it comes to my own personal goals and life plan. 

The last few months I have really begun to find my place and clarity of mind through my running and my blogging—and now I believe that I am ready to move forward with these new hobbies of mine and make them more of a habit, as well as some goals.  What had initially started as a small experiment with my blogging has inevitably turned into a great creative outlet for me.  Blogging has helped me to find out that I really do not need to attend school or have a teacher in order to write—and thankfully, through my blogs, I am able to write whatever I want, whenever, however, and for whomever I choose.  With running, I have been getting back into my 25-30 miles per week running base and I am already signed up for a plethora of races over the next few months.  Needless to say, I am very excited about my progress on both of these hobbies, thus far.

So, for this next year, I have decided to set new personal goals for my running and writing—personal goals which I have wanted to do for some time now.  For my running goal, I have decided to run my first full-marathon (26.2 miles) in December 2011.  And my writing goal is to continue blogging and to finally begin writing my book about the last year of my crazy life.  Yes, both goals are pretty far-fetched and time-consuming; yet, they have both become passions of mine since the end of my marriage and they both also provide great self-therapy and happiness for me. 

School was a great goal for me to have this time last year, but life changed and I changed—I actually “grew” as an individual—so, now in order for me to continue in my personal growth, I have to quit some old tasks/hobbies to have more time to devote to new ones.  Yes, I am a quitter…but, I am a happy one at that.