The Hope of February

“…knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” ~James 1:3

Earlier today I was having a very difficult time writing about anything that had occurred over the last few days. Although I had been yearning to sit down and write about my feelings and situations for quite some time now; my mind was just not functioning the way it should be and the way it usually did. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was too distracted by some of the other things going on in my life or because it just wasn’t the “right time” for me to write. However, after some time of reflection, introspection, and prayer, I believe that now is the “right” time for my heart to share and thoughts to flow freely.

Since my last blog entry, four days ago, I have since had my 26th birthday, sadly (yet responsibly) returned my new puppy back to the pet shop, somewhat resolved my “complicated dilemma” with my close friend, and had a very emotional “heart to heart” with my mother in law. Thus, these past few days have really been an eye-opening experience for me in which I had often found myself reflecting upon many of my past actions and ideas of 2010.

Today was quite an emotional day for me for many reasons. It started out in an extremely heartbreaking fashion when my beloved mother in law shared all of the pain and anguish that she has been suffering through since the loss of her husband three weeks ago today. I was trying my best to “stay strong” for her and to not cry, but my pain for her couldn’t hold my tears back. I had no idea what to say to bring comfort to her—I was absolutely speechless and a complete wreck as I listened to her heartfelt words. As we rode in her car to church we just reflected upon all of the events of the past year and why they had all happened to us…and especially her (in my opinion). Once we arrived at church, we both dried our eyes and walked in to the building with relief for the fact that we were entering into a place of comfort and rest to us both. At today’s service, I became even closer to God again through the music and prayer, and I had also felt a confirmation in my heart that I was finally where I was supposed to be. Although my emotions were still quite sensitive from my earlier conversation with my mother in law; I believe that the painful morning ride to church helped to set my heart up to be in the needed “tender state”—in order for me to be more open to what the Lord wanted me to hear and to grasp from the morning’s service. Today was “Missions Sunday,” so we were blessed to have several people who had gone on missions trips this year to come up and share their stories with the congregation. All of their stories were so amazing and touching and their love for God and for others really helped to re-spark and rekindle a strong fire in my heart for missions and for serving the Lord fully again in my own everyday life.

Although the many painful events and revelations during today and January 2011 have been trying on me; they have also been vital in teaching me life-long lessons about myself and God—and have in effect been preparing me for my return to the Lord and for the next chapter of my life. Last February was when everything in my life had changed. February, the shortest month of the year became the longest month of my life in 2010 (due to all of the continuous and anguish-filled events that had taken place). Day after day, some other mind-boggling situation had occurred in my life, and everybody I knew was just amazed and heartbroken by all that I had gone through in such a short period of time. Needless to say, February 2010 was a horrible time in my life and now that February 2011 is quickly approaching I actually find myself becoming somewhat emotional about all that had taken place that fateful month last year. However, looking back now, I am certain that it was only the Lord who had gotten me through all of my pain and uncertainty at that time of my life. And thankfully, I know that this February will be different.

This past year, I had been trying to find happiness and hope in others—instead of in God—so, as a result, all I found was heartbreak. So through my self-reflection today, I decided that this February would be the month that I begin to devote “my all” to becoming a stronger person in the Lord and a stronger person, in myself. I have realized that in order for me to truly find peace, happiness, and love in my life; then I must put away all of the other “distractions” in my life and genuinely pursue the Lord and His perfect calling for me. As a part of my decision to seek out true meaning for my life, I contacted my close friend (who I had been having my “complicated” relationship with) and told him that it would be best for us to take a break from one another in order for me to figure my own life and “self” out. Although it was painful for me to accept the fact that I probably would not be seeing him or talking to him for a while; in my heart, I knew that it would be the best thing for us to do for our friendship and for ourselves in the long run.

So, in my new devotion to God this February and for my new chapter in life this year, I have prayed for Him to cleanse my entire life completely—including the cleansing of the emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical aspects of my life—which have recently just become out of control.

As a result of my new devotion to God and to myself, I finally went running again tonight and it was such an amazing experience for me to take part in again. In the past, running had been such a freeing and cleansing part of my life and everyday routine. Every run had almost become a somewhat spiritual experience for me because it was the time in my day when all of my body, mind, spirit, and emotions were able to purge themselves and become renewed again. And I am so thankful that tonight’s run was no different. And fortunately, at the end of February, I am signed up to run in my second half-marathon—and although I am probably not in the best physical shape to run it—I am still greatly looking forward to participating in it. The grueling, yet amazing, 13.1-mile run will be an extremely exciting time to just ponder and appreciate all that the Lord has done for me in my life.

February 2011 should no doubt be a somewhat tough, yet exciting, time in my life filled with many new experiences, emotions and lessons. It will begin with my move to my new place and it will end with my half-marathon race. And throughout the “shortest month of the year,” I hope and pray to experience a “great awakening” in ALL aspects of my life through my new devotion to the Lord and to myself. I truly thank the Lord everyday for allowing “New Beginnings” in life.

Next Post: After Today...

  

Farewell to My Memorable 2-5...

"Im coming to understand that 'acceptance' is the most difficult thing to actually 'accept' in life... : /" - me.

Tomorrow will be my 26^th Birthday and it will mark the ending of one of the most challenging years of my life and essentially the closing of my “Quarter-Life Crisis.”  I find myself in a very somber mood right now, primarily because of the actual calendar date and the pending close to my year of emotional, mental, and spiritual breakdown and awakening, in a sense.  However, I also feel somber and quite uneasy about a decision I have to make regarding the potential end to a fairly close, yet complicated, friendship of mine. 

My life has been so weird since I turned 25 years old—a year ago tomorrow—and I am somewhat torn on how I am supposed to feel about all of it actually coming to an end.  On one hand, I cannot wait for this year to be over with and gone; but, on the other hand, I feel as if such a huge part of myself—both old and new—are also in a way “dying” with my new birthday.

I guess since my 25^th year of life was so “memorable,” in a sense, I’m kind of afraid of what may or may not happen in my 26^th year of life.  While thinking about the entire year now, in hindsight, I really do start to question why God had decided to allow me to go through all of those trials and pain.  What really was the purpose of all of my questioning, embarrassment, and confusion?  Although I essentially believe that everything does all happen for a reason; I still also question the actual “reasons” behind “everything happening.” 

Another part of my life that I am questioning right now is my complicated friendship with a guy who I grew very close to in a very short period of time—a guy who pretty much came out of nowhere and then quickly became a very special part of my life, due primarily to our very similar interests in education, philosophy, and just plain randomness, among other things.  In some weird way, we just seemed to “connect” on many different levels; and as a result, I quickly found myself falling for him in a “more than friend” kind of way.  But unfortunately, due to several different reasons and life situations, I have come to discover that I have pretty much been the only one “who has been falling for anyone” in our complicated relationship/friendship.  And as much as I enjoy hanging out with him as friends; there is just a part of me that remains saddened and uneasy about the entire relationship because I know that it can’t be anything more than friends.

 Most times when we are together, my feelings always seem to get hurt because essentially “my expectations” and “his expectations” about the times that we hang out together or the other times when we communicate are completely different from one another’s.  But since I completely understand why he feels the way he feels toward me and any potential relationship with me or anybody else; I honestly can say that I am not mad at him about his decision.  I actually completely respect him for his decision to remain “on his own” and not in a relationship; however, I also have to respect myself and my feelings when it comes to the fact that I keep on placing myself in painful situations most times when we hang out together.

 So, unfortunately, I have almost come to the point where I have to choose the “lesser of two evils”—the choices being whether I should still hang out with him only as “friends” and as a result, keep subjecting myself to pain; or whether I should just cease most, if not all, contact with him until I’m completely “over” him and the feelings that I have for him.

So, I guess my decision to the potential end of my new and close friendship is just the final trial and painful experience and/or growth opportunity of my infamous “Quarter-Life Crisis” during my 25^th year of life.  I honestly do not know what to do about my complicated friendship and I’m not really sure if my friend knows what we should do either.  But, I guess regardless of what eventually happens within the last few hours before my 26^th birthday—it still is what it is. 

And really, whether I am turning 26 or 62; I guess life still continues to progress and both good and bad lessons keep on rolling at me (and all of us), non-stop…regardless of our age or what the calendar may say.  And in all reality, I guess that all of the chaoses in my 25th year, as well as my newest trial that I am faced with tonight are essentially just additional pieces to my “life’s story” and to who I am as “me”—in both God’s eyes and my own.  So, in closing, I say “bring on the big 2-6” and “farewell to the memorable 2-5.”…Happy Birthday to me…

Next Post: The Hope of February

Change + Pain = Growth

Well, the last time I wrote my blog was last Wednesday and I was in a very emotional and vulnerable state of mind. Needless to say, I am now doing much better and a lot of new things have happened in my life within the last week.  Of course, I know how much life can change in a week, so some of the drastic changes that have happened are really not all that surprising to me.

Since my father in law’s funeral and my conversation with my ex-husband’s new wife and family, (on January 15^th), I have felt a continual peace within my spirit.  I believe that I have come close to the realization that life will not always be perfect or fair; but, it will always turn out “ok” in the end…especially when I know that God is in control of it all.  The only constant in life is change and if we fear change then we essentially fear life.  I admit that any kind of Change is frightening; but it is also extremely exciting in its own right.  And this last week, the changes that have taken place in my life included the selling of most of my house’s possessions, my second trip skydiving, my return to church, the purchase of a new puppy, a new relationship with my ex and his wife and my upcoming move to my new apartment.  I truly believe that all of the changes have essentially stemmed from my decision to return to church and to the “old me” and “old way of life.”

Over the past week, I have been feeling more in my “element” than I have felt in a long time. Although my life is far from “perfect”, I think that I am really beginning to fully accept all of the changes that life has thrown at me since my last birthday almost a year ago today.  Since my husband left, I have been on an emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual roller coaster—I had no longer had any idea who I was and what I was on this earth to do.  I pretty much lost my faith in God and decided to live my life the way I thought would be “easier” and “more fun” to do.  So, I did it my own way and I fell even further from who I really was as a result. 

I was always the responsible and mature one in life and I had always been able to find “something better” to do with my time instead of partying; so, when my life went chaotic for me last year, my actions and my thoughts likewise followed down the same path of the chaos and confusion.  I was a basket case and I was so lost and lonely because of my decision to go from what I knew was best for me—God.

Even though I turned from God in the last year, I definitely do not regret it.  I have learned so much about the unhappiness and loneliness that I feel when I don’t have Him in my life.  Through my decision to leave Him and His perfect ways, I actually learned (the hard way) that I really cannot do anything fully or successfully without Him in my life.  And had I not experienced the loss of my marriage and of myself at that time, then I most likely would have never learned how deep and great His love for me really is. 

I know I am not perfect and the Lord knows that as well, but I also now know that He loves me regardless of my imperfections and past or future mistakes—and He really is the only one in my life who will ever love me unconditionally.  I have also learned that God’s timing is miraculous and perfect and mine is NOT.  I have fought myself and others relentlessly when it has come to finding the “right person” for me.  At times, I became so emotionally broken over some stupid guy and/or failed relationship that I knew would never work out in the first place—and in reality, secretly didn’t want it to work either.  However, I was always so preoccupied by the ridiculous idea that I would always be alone if I didn’t stay with whichever guy was in my life at whichever time.  As a result, I was annoying and restless to/and with every new guy I met.  Often, I would even try to mold myself into what I thought the new guy was looking for; and in the end, I was unhappy twofold because I didn’t like who I had become or who the guy actually was.  Essentially, I came to learn that the many failed relationships I had didn’t “work” because the guy really wasn’t “made” for me and/or we really didn’t have any of the same interests either since I was basically pretending to be someone else.  I had no idea who I was or even who others wanted me to be—I was so confused and everyday became extremely complicated for me.  Really, without God in my life I was as shifting as the wind and as fickle and on edge as I had ever felt in my entire life.  I had lost my foundation in life.  The solid rock of the Lord and His love was what had sustained me and had kept me in my right mind and right “element” throughout the last 10+ years of my life.  And I just gave up and threw it all away as soon as life became too hard for me to handle. 

Up until the point that I had recently re-evaluated my life and God’s place in it; I had always been told by people that I was “brainwashed” by Christianity and church and that its all fake and a way for people to control others…and etc.  So throughout high school and college, I invested many hours and money into books and classes about religion and Christianity, in order to prove to others that I was a “legitimate Christian” and that “God was real”.  So, I knew many Bible verses, great Christian speakers/writers, and some great “bumper sticker” one-liner reasons why I was a Christian (and right in my beliefs) and why everybody else who disagreed with me was wrong.  And of course, my life was also pretty perfect at that time—so, I really had no reason to truly question my beliefs or “test my faith”. 

But thankfully, I was tested by the Lord and I truly had the opportunity to learn first-hand that “the Lord chastises those whom He loves.”  The Lord knows us and He also knows that we only experience true growth and knowledge when we are tested beyond our limits and stretched to our furthest breaking point.  Unfortunately, for many of us and myself, it is only through those ultimate trials and heartaches that our eyes and hearts ever open for change and growth in ourselves and in God.  Because I have learned that when we grow in God, we become closer to the realization of whom we are supposed to be in His eyes and in His perfect will. 

Through our drawing nearer to God, we learn about what He wants (and doesn’t want) in our lives and we learn more about whom we “really” are and what really makes us happy.  So as a result, we become more of the person that He designed us to be when He first created us in our mothers’ wombs.  Thus, when we live our lives as the Lord designed us to live then we begin to live at peace with ourselves and who we “are” in Him.  This past year, I have learned that I was in continual strife and numbing pain because I was living a life that I was not designed to live.  Although my life had become “more fun” while I was partying; it definitely did not become easier.  Everything I did was far more complicated than it ever had been while I was following God.  I essentially put on a mask and became the opposite of who God created me to be because I thought that it would take away the pain that I had acquired while I was “living the Christian life.”  I was so bitter inside about my “perfect life” crumbling while I trusted in the Lord.  However, at the time of my divorce and over the many painful months that followed, I failed to acknowledge the fact that just because I was a Christian it didn’t mean that I would have a perfect or easy life—it really only meant that I wouldn’t go through it alone. 

This past week has been an amazing one and I just thank God that I am that much closer to Him and becoming the person who He has designed me to be.  Because it’s only in His perfect love, design, and timing that I find peace in who I am and where I am in my life.  The Lord’s love alone is really the only key to my fully “dropping the mask” in my life…and I am so thankful that His love and peace have finally returned in my life.

Next Post: Farewell to My Memorable 2-5...

                     

People are complicated.

Today was a somewhat odd day for me. I started out on a pretty high note and in an extremely cheerful mood. I had successfully sold every piece of furniture on Monday on Craigslist and I had created my “new room and bathroom” exactly the way I wanted it. Needless to say, I felt extremely accomplished and satisfied with my weekend’s work. Then, the day seemed to get better when I successfully managed to have a “normal” conversation with my ex-husband about our house/short sale/foreclosure/etc. situation. Long story short, I may be moving into an apartment within the next 3-4 months and my credit may be completely restored to its prior glory!

However, as I headed to school for class tonight, I began to feel a bit somber and depressed. I don’t really feel like writing everything out at this moment; but I think I’m quickly becoming over-stressed and hurt over my following life circumstances: my classes this semester; my father in law’s passing and my ex’s new life; dealing with my family’s pain that they are going through; and then on top of that, coming to the realization that some people who I actually thought cared about me probably actually don’t (at least not to the extent that I thought that they cared for me…).

I’m the kind of person who would honestly do anything for anybody—especially if I care for them and consider them to be a close friend. Unfortunately, I can only count about 2-3 people who I could actually count on to do the same for me. However, I feel as if I’m always there to listen to people and be there for them—at all hours and for all reasons. I don’t mind doing that for people either because I know that sometimes I may be the only person who may reply to their text or phone call. I’ve also been that person reaching out for help many times before and whenever somebody has been kind enough to be there for me then I know that I can trust them with just about anything; since they cared that much for me to be there in one of my most vulnerable times.

However, the times when somebody doesn’t answer their phones or texts for me are also the times that I lose a lot of trust and confidence in them.  I also lose some trust in a friend when I share my heart with them (by sharing my blog with them) and they still dont take the time or make any kind of effort to read any of it--even after they assured me that they would definitely look at it...[but I guess that is just a side note...]

Of course, I definitely understand that people may be sleeping or somewhat busy at times—but, to just completely ignore a text or call all night and then not even bother to see if they are ok in the morning? To me, that is just insincere and uncaring. And when someone does that to me, then that is when I begin to re-evaluate that friendship and where I actually may stand in that person’s eyes and mind. If I am constantly ignored by someone, and as a result, continuously hurt by them, then I should probably learn to take a hint and “read the signs”. Maybe the friendship is not as strong as I thought it was or as strong as the other person claims it to be? Or maybe I am just clinging onto a person who would rather see me leave them alone completely?

I’ve been hurt before by people in this same way and it was difficult for me to “catch the drift” that they did not want me in their lives. And although they were decent enough people to not want to intentionally hurt my feelings; they also, in effect, hurt me worse when they “strung me along”. However when faced with the option, I know that I would rather just hear the truth flat-out, get my feelings hurt, and then move on with my life…I just don’t understand people.

Next Post: Change + Pain = Growth

"De-Possessing all..."

“Complete possession is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give possesses you.”  ~Andre Gide

Last night I posted half of my house’s contents on craigslist, in preparation of my move to an apartment…whenever that will be. However, now that I am receiving calls and emails regarding the purchase of my belongings; I am feeling strong emotions against the entire idea of ridding myself of the items.  Yesterday, I had a great day with my mom and my son and I finally purchased new bedding and a shower curtain for myself and my new life “on my own”.  It has always been in my plans to sell my bedroom furniture, formal living room set and patio furniture (all purchased with my husband); and then keep my guest room furniture (from my parents house) and the family room furniture (which was purchased one month before my husband left—only because it is more durable for my son’s energy). 

But then when I went into the living room to measure the entertainment center for one interested buyer and then take a picture of my bedroom dresser for another person, I felt my eyes begin to well up with tears. I began to question myself and the motives behind the tears. Am I feeling this pain because I hate getting rid of the nice furniture that I worked so hard to purchase in the past or am I feeling the pain because I am finally taking the first steps in parting with the memory of the life I once used to have with my husband? I’ve been living in the house that my husband and I shared for almost one year now and I believe that a certain time spent here was needed in order for me to properly accept the fact that my life is changing.  However, now, I have become extremely restless about staying here. As painful as it is to move on and start over, in a sense, I still feel that it is the direction that I need to head, as soon as I possibly can.  Unfortunately, due to the housing market’s demise and my foreclosure issue since my ex left; I have been forced to live and remain in the constant reminder and “purgatory” called my “home”. 

I don’t necessarily need the money for the items that I am selling and I don’t even need them out of the house anytime soon (since I have no clue how much longer I will be here); yet, I just want to begin the next step of my healing process as quickly as possible. And in a way, knowing the kind of person I am, I feel as though I need to just get rid of the items as quickly as possible—without a second thought—or I will just continue to question my decision to part with the items everyday they remain in my house.

Although I used to be somewhat of a “materialistic” person prior to my divorce, over the last year I have come to the deep realization that things and possessions are only that—“things”.  There are far more important things in life than my possessions and I have been happier spending my time and money on more valuable items, such as new experiences on my own and with others who I care about—like skydiving, scuba diving, concerts and vacations to Jamaica, D.C., NYC, Bahamas, and etc.  Life has been more meaningful and fun since I’ve learned to renounce the possessions in my life.  And honestly, as I write this all out and think about the reasons why I am so upset about selling my house contents; I see that the right decision for me to take is to continue on the course and “purge” myself of the needless possessions and memories. 

In all reality, although I liked the furniture that I purchased with my ex-husband, the truth is that it wasn’t furniture that I was “in love” with.  And it also wasn’t furniture that we technically “picked out” together. Like most tasks done throughout the years, while I was “with” my ex, the furniture purchase and picking out was done with his mother, who was and always will be one of my closest friends. Really, I almost think that the attachment that I am feeling toward the furniture is due to my connection with my mother in law, more than it is due to my connection with my ex.  However, I also know that my mother in law is completely fine with me getting rid of the furniture and “doing what I have to do” in order to move on with my life.

I guess that this is yet another step in the process of my “dropping the mask” of the old me in order to become who I am truly supposed to be. Society has attached so many stigmas to those who choose to “live with less” and “do without” the latest and greatest possessions.  When really, when it all comes down to it, material possessions only just go out of fashion, rust, deteriorate, break, tear, wear out and end up in the trash or craigslist in the end. Who really cares? Although I understand that there is meaning attached to the possessions given to loved ones and the like; and although there are a few possessions that I actually do hold dear to my heart—the fact that so many people attach so much satisfaction and pain to the stupid possessions and the attempt to attain the possessions just boggles my mind.  Yet, I also know how easy it can be done—because I have been there so many times before.

Again, life is so complex, yet so simple if we choose for it to be.  But again, it is only our choice to make. I cannot decide what the best is for someone else, just as they cannot decide what is best for me. We are all “masters of our own fate”, whether we choose to believe it or not.  Although I would love to continue writing about my feelings about the “purging” of my possessions and the like, I feel as if I have sufficiently reached the decision regarding my feelings toward the whole situation. So, I have decided to “stay the course” and continue to renounce my possessions and memories attached to them.  Underneath the tinge of pain in my heart attached to this decision—I know that in the end, I will be better off.

Next Post: People are complicated.

"Peace to the Restless"

“To be at one with God is to be at peace ... peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul.” ~Ralph Waldo Trine


Wow, what a day. Today was my father-in-law’s funeral and it was an extremely emotional day that actually ended up going unexpectedly smooth. It was definitely a “God” thing. As awkward as it was to be there, I still wanted to be there for my mother in law, brothers in law and in my father in law’s memory. There were so many people there from my past and it was so great seeing all of them and “catching up” as much as we could, under the circumstances. The funeral was an absolutely beautiful one. It was a glorious celebration of life, family and friends and it is exactly how my father-in-law would have wanted it. He was a man with a tough exterior, yet a very kind heart and throughout the years I was thankful to be able to know both sides of him. His life, along with my incredible mother-in-law’s life, is one filled with so many ups and downs that it’s amazing that they made it 20 years together. They were so opposite, yet so alike, and because of that I had always admired their steadfastness and commitment to their marriage and one another. Watching my mother-in-law’s strength at the funeral today was another inspiring sight for me. I’ve always looked so highly upon her and I’ve always considered her to be a huge impact on my life in so many ways. Her faith in God is so real and so “raw”. She has had a pretty rocky life and she is far from perfect; yet, she still remains so strong in her faith and her beliefs. Many times it has been her faith, alone, that has helped to carry along myself, and the entire family, through the very toughest of times.


Surprisingly, I was actually blessed with the opportunity to meet my husband’s new wife and her parents. Although I had spoken with my ex-husband yesterday and he had forcefully expressed his desire to never have anything to do with me now and/or in the future; I accidentally found myself speaking with the newest family members, because of my son. Either way, I introduced myself and expressed to them that I was happy for them and that my desire was to “bury the hatchet”, grow up, and move on. My son is my life and my first priority and I wanted to let them know that we will ALL be connected now, because of my son, and that my desire is to create as healthy and happy of an environment for him, as possible. And after I spoke with them, I had instantly felt a wave of relief and peace wash over me and overwhelm my heart. The restlessness and angst that I had been feeling ever since the entire situation began almost one year ago, was finally put to rest. Although my ex-husband had expressed his desire to have nothing to do with me yesterday; I still feel as if today I had done my part on clearing the air and my conscience by finally telling him, his new wife, and her family that I am ok with what has happened. And that regardless of what had occurred in the past, I am happy for the love and peace that they have now found in each other and their new family. I don’t know if they will ever discuss my “well wishes” with one another or with their other family members or if they will ever even speak to me again—all I do know is that I shared what was on my heart and was finally released from the “prison of the unknown” that I had placed myself into over the past year.


Today at the funeral, I also felt as if I was “home” again. Admittedly, I know that I have been running from God ever since my whole marriage ended last year. At the time, I was just so upset and somewhat bitter about the entire situation of how I had done “everything right”; yet, I still ended up in divorce, single parenthood, foreclosure, legal battles, and etc…It just wasn’t “fair”. So in anger and hurt, I decided to pursue the complete opposite lifestyle from how I lived for the last 7+ years while I was with my husband. I stopped going to church, partied, drank, encountered many guys that were very toxic to my life, and made many other idiotic decisions in my life. Yet, throughout all of the experiences, I was still left empty, restless, and alone. Throughout it all, I just didn’t feel “right”. However, at church today, I felt as if my heart began to take its turn back to God and what I once knew as “home”.


What is extremely odd is that I have felt my heart beginning its turn back to God over the last few weeks. Recently, I began to have a desire to start listening to my old Christian music and radio stations again every now and then. There is just a comforting feeling that comes over me when I hear many of the Christian songs that actually have meaningful and positive lyrics, unlike many of the songs of pop/rock music on the radio today. Then, I have also had several “confirmations” this week that have also helped to move my heart further away from my actions and life of this past year and back toward my relationship and life with God. Earlier in the week, the night before I found out about my father-in-law’s passing, I had been hanging out with my new close friend (whom I had mentioned a few days back) and while we were “philosophizing” about life’s meaning and our place in society as individuals and etc…he out-of-nowhere mentioned that although he thinks that I’m a great individual who is always willing to try new things, he feels as if I was missing something and searching for it. He said that there is just restlessness about me, but once I find whatever it is that I’m searching for then everything will fall into place for me. And although I didn’t tell him then, that night I knew that it was God that was missing in my life. Then today at the funeral there was an avalanche of “confirmations”. I had several people from my past tell me that I’ve been on their hearts and in their prayers a lot lately and then the peace that I had felt inside the church and the songs that I had sung along to with the choir had all felt so extremely comfortable and “normal” to me. Today, I finally felt complete again.


This last year has been an amazing one for me that I do not regret one bit. I have learned so much about myself and others and I have met so many amazing people along the way. Had I not experienced all that I went through this year then I would still be stuck in a world of unhappiness in my mundane existence, which I once thought was “perfect”. I made A LOT of dumb decisions this past year and although I am far from proud about many of them; I know that they were needed in order to break me down in my pride and to help me grow in humility, love, patience, and forgiveness—so I could become the better person who I am today. Life is so crazy how it works itself out. One year ago, five years ago, or even ten years ago, I would never have seen myself where I am today and I especially would never have seen myself in some of the situations that I have placed myself into this last year. And if in the past, somebody would have told me what I was going to go through then I would have either laughed in their face because of my pride, or have been terrified because of my fear of failure. Regardless, I am glad that I didn’t know then what was going to happen this past year; just as I am glad today that I don’t know what my future holds tomorrow.


Life is so fragile, complex, simple and so beautiful at the end of the day. The fact that not one of us knows what lies in front of us each day is such an amazing idea to both ponder and appreciate. We are all so blessed to be alive and to have the choice to decide what type of life we will live for ourselves. Only we have the power to control our own happiness, sadness, situations, relationships and outcomes. Although we don’t know exactly what will happen in our futures, regardless of the plans we may make, we still possess the present to decide who we are today and every moment we take a breath.


Today was an amazing and bittersweet day for me—It was the closing of one chapter in my life and the opening of another one.


<3 Rest in Peace JVB, Jr.—I love you and I will never forget you or your “Home-Going Day”. Thank you for everything. <3

Next Post: "De-Possessing all..."

"Broken Toys"

January 11, 2011

“…I love you.  You and I are together in this…we are the two misfits in the family and in society…We are like two broken toys. We are broken, depressed, unwanted and thrown out to the side…broken toys that just go to the dump because they have no other place to go.”

Tuesday ended up being an extremely sad and somewhat revealing day. Unfortunately, I had found out from my mother that my ex-husband’s father had passed away Sunday afternoon (1/9/2011) after a painful and quick battle against lung cancer. Although he had been in hospice care for the last few months, it was still painful for me to digest the news of my father in law’s passing.  Sadly, his battle with cancer had actually only begun this past March 2010—not even an entire year ago. And the heart-wrenching news of his Stage 4 cancer had been diagnosed by doctors and revealed to the family only one short month after my ex had left me. Needless to say, the news was another low blow to all that my family and I were experiencing.   

As I left work for the day to go visit my ex’s family (of course in his absence), the final backstab from my ex-husband was swiftly and painfully delivered to me when my mother-in-law lovingly told me, via phone, to pull over and breathe deeply.  As quickly as the words came out of her mouth, my stomach dropped from my throat down to my feet and back when I was told that my ex-husband had already married the girl (whom he had been cheating on me with last year) and are now expecting a baby boy in late-May.  The information overload that was delivered to me within a short 30-40 minute time frame had somewhat put me over an emotional cliff and I felt as if I had nobody else to turn to.  I was confused, because I had faith that everything was going to be better in 2011.  However, although it was now 2011 and it was supposed to be the year where everything “went well and way better” than 2010; I guess that it was somewhat naïve of me to think that remnants of 2010 were not going to “come to light” or “wrap up” during the initial months of the New Year.  

I honestly still think that I am emotionally and mentally still trying to process the entire situation involving the loss of my father-in-law, whom my son absolutely adored; as well as the “new additions” in my ex’s life…so, in a way, I am somewhat at a loss of words about what else I should write at this moment.  I tried to write out what I was feeling yesterday, but I think that it was far too soon for my mind to wrap be able to around all that had occurred. However, the only words that stuck with me from yesterday until now were the ones spoken by my mom-in-law about us two being “broken toys” together.

As I went in to hug my mother-in-law and give my condolences for my father-in-law, she went on to tell me of how the two of us were both so much alike in our losses of our husbands in the past year. She then jokingly referred to us as being “broken toys”, like the ones from my son’s favorite movie, “Toy Story”.  We were so different, yet so similar in our losses…she had lost a husband of almost 20 years and I had lost mine of only 3 years (7 ½ years total of a relationship though); however, we had both experienced the complete loss of the only other person in our lives who we thought we could trust forever—and that’s painful at any time of life.

She was so sincere and wise in her words to me.  And the beauty and simplicity in her somewhat childish analogy to me will most likely be one that is engrained into my mind and heart for years to come…primarily because she was so completely right about us being “broken toys” in our family and in society.  Unfortunately, many people who become widows, widowers, divorcees, single parents, cheated on, discarded, depressed, hurt, and etc, truly do become as “broken toys” in the eyes of others and society—and many times because of no fault of their own.  

Like the “Toy Story 3” movie portrays, all toys that kids no longer “want” or have any “use for anymore” are eventually donated to Daycare or sent to the Landfill—all because the kid got tired of the toy, wore it out, or found another toy to replace it.  Regardless of the reason, the toy was eventually discarded to one of the two places and then left completely heartbroken and lonely because of the loss of their kid and the entire existence and life they ever knew.

However, thankfully, after watching the movie nearly 100 times or more with my son, I also know that in the end the “broken toys” do eventually find new homes and “new kids” who take care of them and love them just as much as the original kid loved them, if not more.  And in the healing and new love of the new kid, the “broken toys” eventually discover that they weren’t “broken” and discarded forever; but, instead they were only temporarily “misconfigured” in order to be repaired, strengthened, and appreciated more in the future. 

When it comes down to it, my entire family and I had all gone through so many trials and changes in the past year, and it had almost seemed as if we were on a continuous cycle of pain without an end to it at all.  Surprisingly though, the ending of my father-in-law’s life and the beginning of my ex’s new life with his new wife and new baby just seemed to bring somewhat of a bittersweet closing to 2010, as well as a new and exciting peace to the beginning of 2011.  Thankfully, even though I’m a “broken toy” for now; I know that brokenness does not last forever…primarily because I know that nothing seems to last forever. 

Next Post: "Peace to the Restless"

"C'est La Vie..."

January 10, 2011

“It's exhilarating to be alive in a time of awakening consciousness; it can also be confusing, disorienting, and painful.”  ~Adrienne Rich

Well, it is already Monday again and although I had tried several times over the weekend to sit down and write my blog, for some reason, I just couldn’t get the words out that I wanted to convey.  At this current moment, I’m still not sure what I want to write, but I guess I will just continue to “write free-flow” until I feel that my “purge session” is sufficient.

This weekend was a pretty crazy one. I began it in a very content frame of mind. I was satisfied with my decision to start a blog and I surprisingly had shared the link for it with quite a few people (only three of whom I know actually read it).  I didn’t put out a mass text or Facebook post about it; but, I did end up just sharing the link with those who have either heard the entire crazy story of my life during the last year, those who I have whined to about my life, or those who I feel could relate to what I was going through on a “deeper level” intellectually and emotionally. 

In a way, it was somewhat therapeutic letting others know what I was going through and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made for me to share it with others. I figured that if the whole point of my bearing my heart and soul was to become more of who I really am--then I would most likely need to eventually share with others how I am changing and metaphorically “dropping the mask” of my “old self” in order to become the “new me”. 

On the other hand, I also think that I wanted to share the blog because then I wouldn’t have to explain what I’m going through over and over again to the same people who ask how I am doing and what I’ve been up to since “everything” had happened.  I’m really not sure how many of the people have actually taken the time to read what I’ve written so far—but, I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway. I am writing for myself, and if others choose not to read what I’m thinking then it’s probably better for me in the end.  : / 

 But regardless of whom I shared my blog with and who read(s) it, this past weekend I had been feeling somewhat satisfied with the “new direction” that I had recently decided to point my life toward.  However, it is somewhat humorous how life sneaks up on you with its little traps and temptations—because what had started out to be a great weekend of self-inspection and self-respect for me, it had quickly denigrated into a whirlwind fury of alcoholic consumption and stupidity on my part.

Every night this weekend, I had ended up drinking—primarily Saturday night—and although I don’t really see anything wrong with drinking, in general; I just know that when I do so, I end up acting like an idiot. Of course, I’m not going to lie either—I actually had a very fun time out and I made some great new girlfriends in the process.  However, I also felt sick about 1/3 of the time and I rarely had enough time to blog or get much of my “school stuff” together for my first day of classes. As my two “life coaches” always remind me, I need to “get under control” and “know my limits”; otherwise, I’m destined to continue down the path of ridiculous alcohol consumption, self-loathing, idiocy and a meaningless cyclical existence of nothingness—all of which I have fought so relentlessly to claw my way out of this past year.

However, there was somewhat of a bright spot this weekend. On Sunday, I was able to spend time with one of my new friends who I have grown extremely close to over the last few months. We have definitely had our ups and downs in the short time that we have known each other, but we always seem to recapture our friendship (or whatever it should be classified as…) in the end. I haven’t really hung out with him in over 2 weeks, the last time being while we were in NYC with a few of our other friends. However, prior to our NYC hangout, we had had a somewhat bad falling out over some miscommunication problems and at that time I was ready to call the entire friendship quits. But once we were in NYC I had realized that I had been in the wrong and had apologized for my rash behavior.

Although our NYC hangout, as well as our Sunday hangout was great, I always seem to feel as if I am going to somehow get hurt by the entire situation again and again. Over the past few months, I have really gotten to know him and I have really grown to care for him in ways that I haven’t cared for another guy in quite awhile. We just seem to connect at levels that I find very difficult to do with others. He is an extremely intellectual person and, as a dork myself, I find great companionship with him.  He also is as random and goofy as I am in certain situations and not only is he a fun person; but he is also a very caring one who is completely comfortable with my son and my family—which makes him that much more amazing to me.

Unfortunately, he also just got out of a very long relationship and the last thing that he is looking for is another serious girlfriend anytime soon. Instead, he is searching for who he is, as an individual; prior to committing himself to "knowing" any other person.  And in theory, I completely agree with what he is doing and the reasons behind why he is doing it. I feel as if I am at the same spot in my life, as well.  The only difference between his search and my own is that he has far more self-control in regulating his feelings for others than I do.

Unlike me, he realizes that he needs to focus on his own life, rather than get distracted by another person and relationship.  And although I mentally agree and understand everything that he says regarding the issue; emotionally, I just have a tough time accepting the fact that he doesn’t have the same feelings for me as I have for him.  I don’t want to lose him as a friend because he is really one of the only other people who I can actually connect with and relate to at so many different levels; but, in reality, I also remain so torn about how I should act and feel around him.

However, I also know that I don’t want to force any kind of relationship or feelings upon somebody else or myself—because in the end, those kinds of relationships will always fail. Anything in life that is built upon force or false pretenses will never last and I do not want to live my life that way ever again.  I know in my heart, that whatever is meant to happen in life will happen, regardless of what I say or do…and in a way that is really the only thing I try to remind myself when I speak about my feelings with my friend.  And, in reality, I know that I am probably far too busy to handle any kind of serious relationship with another person at this time in my life anyway; and I am in no way purposely looking for somebody to be in a relationship with either. I just think that it’s funny how my new friend just literally came out of nowhere and into my life like he did.  Honestly, I still can’t believe how strongly my feelings for him have grown; when in all actuality, I was somewhat annoyed by him initially. J 

But regardless of how quickly he came into my life and how my feelings toward him have changed/grown, I am glad that I was able to spend time with him yesterday and, in a way, get to re-establish what we once had as close friends a few months back.  Although I have tried to ignore my feelings for him and have tried to “move on” from him; I just seem to keep coming back to him and his “randomness” which most other people I meet significantly lack. I hate to admit it because I sound sappy or whatever, but I can honestly say that he really holds a special place in my heart—and unfortunately, it is often those who we care about the most who hurt us the deepest. And I guess that this is something that I have to begrudgingly accept as part of the territory for caring for another person. "C’est la vie..."

Next Post: "Broken Toys"

My "Life Coaches" :)

January 8, 2011

“Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement - and we will make the goal.”  ~Jerome Fleishman

When I was going through all of the craziness of my life last year, I designated two of my friends—one who I have worked with for almost 4 years now and the other who I had met at a bar last February 2010—as my “life coaches.”

Both of the friends always seemed to be there whenever I needed them and they were always willing to listen to all of my crazy antics and dumb rationalizations; and regardless of the stupid decisions and details that I had shared with them they both were always there for me with wise advice, kind words, and tough love.

I honestly do not know what I would have done without either of them in my life—they were what kept me going many of the days when I wanted to just give up. They were always there to put life in perspective for me and remind me that although I had gone through Hell and back—I’m not the only one that had been there.  Life wasn’t easy or fair, so I had to grieve, learn from my past and move on to something better because I was the only one who could make my life better…or worse. 

I guess the fact that both of them had both been through pretty rocky pasts themselves and they are stronger for it now really helped me to keep things in perspective of where I was headed as well. Both of my “life coaches” are extremely strong individuals who know who they are and what they want in their lives. They know who they are and who they are not and they do not make any excuses when they do not live up to others’ expectations.  And for those reasons and more, I both envy and admire both of them.  They are amazing people and I would honestly do anything for them, if need be.

It is amazing to me when I think about the people in my life and those who I thought I would know for years and those who I actually do know for years. It is almost mind-boggling to me when I think about how friendships and relationships form. The fact that we can meet other people—anywhere and under many different situations—and either build life-long relationships with them or nothing at all. It all just simply amazes me. 

It’s so odd to me when I think about some of the friends who I have today and how I actually met them and formed bonds with them.  With a handful of them, I never would have thought that I would ever see them again past the first encounter and now they are some of my best friends. One of those people is my “life coach” who I met in a bar last February.

Although I met him in a bar, he is absolutely one of the most genuine people who I have ever met in my life. He is also probably the only person who I can call/text/email at any hour of the day and get a response from. I honestly cannot say that about any other person I know—especially any other guy I know. 

My other “life Coach”, whom I work with, has literally heard every detail of my life from the last year and has almost become like my weekly confessional, by default—POOR GUY.  I’m almost positive that had he not been there for me, then I would have possibly gone mad from all of the secrets I kept and anguish that I held.

My life coaches have seriously been my saving graces since my ex-husband and I split; and again thinking about them and their influences upon me just makes me so incredibly grateful for everything that is still good in my life. Sometimes when I ponder on what one impact only one person can have on another; it automatically humbles me and makes me question my actions and words toward others a little more carefully.  I know that had the significant people in my life had one day  just decided to ignore me and my pain during all that I was going through, then I could have just as easily reacted differently to someone else on my life's path. 

I know that many of the decisions that I have made in the last year (and some that I continue to struggle with to this very day) have and continue to make me into the person who I am now and will continue to be in the future. And although I am not the greatest person at following the advice that my life coaches and others continually give to me, I know that their just being there and available for me has had the greatest impact on me. Because of their continual encouragement and support—and the fact that they are brave enough to drop their own masks in their lives and admit their imperfections—I am also able to confront my demons, eventually drop my mask, and then be one step closer to becoming who I really am supposed to be in my own life.    

Next Post: "C'est La Vie..."

Anniversary Day...continued

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference." ~Virginia Satir


Well, the work day is drawing to an end; however, on this particular day I have to return in about 2 hrs in order to do a presentation. But I really don’t mind doing it tonight since my son is with his father and I don’t particularly have anyone else to hang out with anyway. That is one thing about myself that has somewhat started to worry me…I hate to physically be alone. Whenever I have to be at my house, I usually just leave it in order to go anywhere else where there are other human beings around. To many of my friends and family, my constant obsession with hanging out at the bookstore has almost become a recurring joke to them; and the fact that one of my son’s first words was “bookstore” is also somewhat troubling to others.  

Although I usually stick my headphones in my ears, read a book or start working on my computer— I still just yearn to be around others. I don’t know if its because I just try to fool myself into thinking that although I am "alone" and without social interaction on the "inside of me"; technically, I am actually in a building full of other people...or maybe its simpler than that and its because I just dislike my house because it lacks cable TV and the actual house just reminds me of what I used to have with my husband. Truthfully though, before one of my friends explained his theory of why I yearn to be around others, I had actually never even thought about the reasons behind my need for other human companionship...I just thought that I enjoyed being other places because I'm a starbucks fan...But oddly enough, he does the same exact thing as I do so I have definitely bought into his profound theory.  This friend of mine has actually only been in my life since November 2010—a mere 2 ½ months ago—however, he has had such an immense impact on me and has become one of my closest confidants that I have ever had in recent memory (other than my two “life coaches”—one whom I know from work and the other whom I met at a bar last February…another time I will explain them..). We most likely connect so well due to his similar rocky relationship past with his spouse and his search for life-meaning, much like myself.  And honestly, he is probably going to be one of the only other people, except for myself, who ever even reads these words for quite awhile since he is one of the only other people who I can currently trust to express my emotions to, via blog, at least.

On this odd and somber Anniversary Day, speaking of my close “new” friend brings to my mind the many people who I have met since my life has changed in 2010. Over the last year, I have met so many new people, some who I would care to never speak to again and others who I now hold very close to my heart. Regardless of whether the new people were “good or bad” for me in my life, I still believe that every one of them was placed in my life for a reason. In hindsight, I can usually figure it out in my own mind why many of their lives were intertwined with mine and I can honestly say that I have learned at least one valuable lesson from each of them.

Even though I have been to Hell and back this last year, I still really do believe that everything does happen for a reason—both good and bad—and that there is a reason and a season for everything and everyone.  Life is just too precious, complex, and confusing for it all just to exist by accident and without purpose. I am completely fine with those people who do believe the complete opposite of me because it is not my place to decide who is right or wrong in what others choose to live by—it is their lives, not mine.  However, I choose to believe what I believe because of my own past experiences, as well as the hope that I now choose to possess in my present and my future. 

I am definitely not perfect and I have had to learn this the hard way after everything that I had been planning and striving for my entire childhood and adult life went tumbling down to the ground. I have lost just about everything that I once held in such high regard—my husband, my son growing up with both of his parents still together, my house, my padded savings account, my perfect church girl/Sunday School Teacher life, as well as my mundane-every day-planned out existence that I had unknowingly created for myself. I created this existence because “society” told me that it was the “right” thing to do or that it was the “American Dream” and if you play “fair and by the rules” then you too will be happy and fulfilled in life.  But in reality, I sold my soul, my individuality, and my life’s fulfillment to become another working cog in the repetitive meaningless wheel of everyday existence. My entire life was planned out on an Excel spreadsheet—my budget, my child-bearing and child-rearing plans, when and where my family and I would obtain jobs and homes next and etc…nothing in my life was spontaneous, fun, or even meaningful—it just WAS. Period.

And the saddest part of it all was that I knew that I was slowly but surely killing my happiness, marriage, life, and soul.  I was completely aware of my unhappy and meaningless existence, but I still continually chose to ignore my heart and soul’s cry for meaning and change.  Why did I do this??? Whose acceptance was I looking for??? Was it in order to attain the riches and notoriety that society said would make me a “successful” human being???  It was so easy to fall into the trap of a meaningless cyclical existence; however, NOW even through all the pain I went through I’m actually so glad that I was kicked senseless and thrown into this continuous questioning of my life and existence—because without my trials of the last year I would most likely have been thrown deeper into the mindless and meaningless realm of nothingness. Like my one friend’s blog quotes, “Things only come together when they start to fall apart.”  And I couldn’t agree more. We, as human beings, are creatures of comfort and unfortunately, life without meaning and questioning is very easy, comfortable and subtly destructive to the very fiber of our beings.  Although we are supposed to be happy/content in our own lives and with our selves; we are also not supposed to float through life without a single thought about why we are even on this earth or why we have certain people in our lives during specific times and not others.

Even as a child, I had always felt that I was on this earth for a purpose. Although I am now a Christian, I wasn’t raised in a Christian household so I’m not sure how I even initially got it into my head that every life is precious and every human being is here for some specific reason. (?)  But come to think of it, it was most likely due to my mother’s continual encouragement and love and never-ending belief in me that gave me the idea that I was so special.  J 

But regardless, throughout my life I came to accept that life is something that we shouldn’t take for granted. It is the only one we have and if we do not live it out as truthfully and fully as we are destined to do, then not only do we miss out on OUR own life’s purpose; but also, those OTHER people who were placed in our life somehow miss out on some specific part of their own purpose and destiny.  Life, and everything and everyone in it, is inter-related in some way or another and when one thing is affected then so are many other things.  Sometimes I just think about how crazy it is that one person’s decision to do something can change so many other lives—for better or for worse.  With only one person’s decision—Wars can start or end; love can flourish or die; dreams can come to fruition or shatter and the list can go on and on. 

Specifically, on this Anniversary Day, I think about how my husband’s ONE decision to pursue another woman, instead of myself, has not only affected his life and his new girlfriend’s life; but how it has also affected my life, my son’s life, both of our family’s lives, and all of the peoples’ lives who I have come into contact with this past year and now into the future.  However, I definitely do not put all of the blame on him and his infidelity; I also place much of the blame on myself for my pointless striving for “society’s acceptance”.  Because I also do believe that my ONE decision to become a “successful” human being in the eyes of society was a major contributor to what led me down the path away from my husband and my own self-fulfillment and toward the meaningless cyclical existence of what many people today claim to be “the perfect life”.

 Sadly, now in hindsight, I had sold my soul and bought into the idea of the “American Dream” and found nothing but disappointment. But fortunately, everything fell apart and the “American Scheme” was revealed to me through my many losses and now I have the opportunity to reclaim my soul and my life as my own.  Through the reclamation of my soul and myself, I am also gaining the strength and courage to drop the mask that I have held onto for so many years.  A mask that I’ve tightly clung to so others in society would be pleased with me, accept me, envy me, and hate me.  A mask that had smothered and suffocated the very breath that I tried to breathe because I was forced to hide behind it because it was the “right” thing to do.  A mask that chained me down and trapped me away from my full potential and complete understanding of who I really was and am now supposed to be.

And as I write this now, I honestly cannot say what my purpose in this life is or how or when I will actually come to fully understand who I really am or supposed to be. And surprisingly, I’m completely ok with the unknown of all of that. I have lived my entire life, up until this point, completely planned out and I watched my entire plans amount to very little in the grand scheme of things. However, I’m now ready to take the plunge into the deep abyss of life as it should be lived, rather than life as I thought I should live it.  

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.” –Virginia Satir

Next Post: My "Life Coaches" :)

Anniversary Day

“I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realizes an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.” -Virginia Woolf


Well, today is January 6, 2011. This would have been my 4-year wedding anniversary had everything not have crumbled around this time last year.  Its a very odd feeling that I have today because of the date. I'm not mad, angry, hurt, elated, or depressed--I'm just in a very somber-like mood. Its almost a bittersweet feeling that comes over me when I start thinking about all of the chaos that my life was filled with over the last year. Everything in my life has changed since one year ago today.  No, my marriage wasn't perfect and apparently my husband was with his new girlfriend during this time last year, as well...but, my life and my self NOW is definitely NOT what it once was.


In January 2010, I turned 25 years old and within 2-3 weeks of my birthday I became financially "debt-free", found out my husband was cheating on me, had a giant emotional breakdown, was told that my husband had filed for divorce, was faced with some serious legal issues, and experienced several other awkward situations that I would rather leave unmentioned at this time.  Needless to say, I was experiencing a major "Quarter-Life Crisis" in my life and in an extremely short period of time. Everything I that had always believed about life, love and happiness had been shattered over a one-month span of time. And unfortunately, January was only the beginning of what was to come for myself within 2010.


I have always been a "writer", by my nature, but I have also been a pretty lazy one at that. I love to write once I get started...but, it is difficult for me to get started most days. The year 2010 was filled with many ups and downs for me and I continuously said that I was going to write a book about everything that I was going through because it was sooooo odd and continuous for me--it was almost unbelievable and comical because the drama never seemed to cease--however, I was just unable emotionally to sit down and write out all that I was going through. 


I just didnt want to write it and re-live the pain and sorrow that I had felt at that time. However, now I regret not doing that. I believe now that if I just would have taken the time then to write out my experiences and feelings--while those situations were happening to me--then I would have been able to better understand why I was going through certain things and not question and cry about everything instead. I would have been able to learn from my mistakes earlier had I been wise enough to sit down and write about all of the stupid decisions I made and awkward situations that I was continually putting myself into.  Really, I would have been able to "drop the mask" of my foolishness and insecurities and learn who I was and who I am today had I only sat down and really searched out the answers to life in myself, rather than the answers in others.


So, now, in 2011 and on my Anniversary Day, I have decided to do what I should have done one year ago--I'm going to now write out what I'm going through and my feelings about all of it--AS I EXPERIENCE IT.  Hopefully through this "purge session", I will be able to better understand myself and my thoughts a bit easier and as a result, I will hopefully stop turning to others for pity and false support (like I've been doing). Because unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that people are only people and they fall and fail.  They have enough drama of their own going on in their lives to sit and listen to someone elses--and that is something that I completely understand and accept. So, now I need to finally turn inward to myself for answers and hope--because its as true now as it always has been--I AM the only one who will always be there for me--whether I like it or not...

Next Post: Anniversary Day...continued