Mahalo, My Love

August 16, 2011

I am currently on the way to hawaii with my soon to be husband and true love of my life. Although our quickly-paced budding romance and "story" has been anything but "ordinary" in others' eyes; our profound love for one another has no doubt grown extremely strong and been absolutely true. And over the last four months of our whirlwind love, we had definitely heard and felt the surprise from many, the wrath of a few, and tough questions about our actual love for one another from several--including eachother. However, much to our enjoyment, our new love has not only survived through the fire of our trials; but it has also flourished and grown deeper and stronger, as a result.

As we now traverse across the country and several time zones, I now feel more reassured and at peace than ever about my decision to allow my heart to follow its proper course to fall in love with my best friend and the man of my dreams. And the incidents of this past week and a half--leading up to our departure to our wedding in Hawaii--have only reconfirmed and strengthened my love and commitment to who I know is truly the love of my life.

Over the past few days, I was contacted by my ex-husband and told (among other things) that he was tearfully sorry for all of the pain he had put me through in our bitter divorce a year and a half ago, as well as his confession that he had never stopped loving me and would only know true happiness and peace if we were back together and a family again. I was in utter disbelief and pain at the words he had said, as well as for the pain he was obviously going through. Although I had forgiven him and gotten over the pain he had caused me quite some time ago; it was still crazy to think that what I was hearing was actually happening.

I shared the phone conversation with my new fiance the day it happened and was sick to my stomach about the whole thing the rest of the week. However, the strength and compassion that my fiance had shown for and toward both us and my ex-husband had given me the peace and absolute confidence in the love that we have for one another, as well as the right mind and heart to speak kind and helpful words to my ex-husband throughout the remainder of the week. By the end of the entire odd ordeal, I was able to offer my ex-husband (and now my good friend again...) the right words and encouragement that he needed to hear during this emotional time in his life; as well as the assurance to my new fiance and soon to be "life partner" that I am his--and only his--for now and eternity.

What had started out as something completely unexpected and extremely scary at first last week (...much like the way our whirlwind love has been) had actually turned out to become something so beautiful for words to really explain. My love for my fiance grows each and every day and in ways that I had never known love could do. Now, with a few more hours left until we land in Hawaii, I can honestly say that my life is an absolute dream. No, everything is not perfect; but, with our wedding tomorrow, my son completely in love with his other "dada", and the upcoming birth of our own baby together in early March--I really don't have anything that I can rightfully complain about. I thank God for the crazy trials I have gone through (and learned from) the last year and a half of my crazy-beautiful life and the amazing people that He has put in my life each and every day--Because without either, I wouldn't be who I am today.

"Box of Chocolates"

“Life is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you are gonna get.”—Forrest Gump. 

I haven’t really “written” in quite a few months. As my life has continued to oddly wind down so many paths of uncertainty; I have been extremely busy and in a way kind of hiding from the reality of my situation.  The truth is, I am more in love now with my life and family than I have ever been before and I want to share my happiness with the entire world—yet, I know that much of my happiness has come to fruition because of the pain I have caused to others—and as much as I would like to just ignore it…I can’t.  If I ignore the reality of what had transpired then I am ultimately not being truthful or fair to myself or others—and I know that is no way to live.  As much as the truth hurts, it still must be acknowledged, told, and ultimately accepted.  

Ever since my life has changed for the better, I have felt convicted to share how the love of my life and I initially came together. He was a close friend of mine and he was unhappily married to another person when we first discovered our intense love for each other.  As much as we tried to avoid our growing feelings and love for one another at the time; we were still ultimately drawn together. And our drawing together eventually initiated a final falling apart of his marriage. Although I was not the sole reason for the breakup of their marriage—sadly, I was still one of the many reasons for it. 

As bad as it sounds, being on the “other side” of the situation, or really as the “other woman” (as much as I hate to say that…), allowed me to understand why my ex-husband did to me what he did and why I reacted in certain ways.  Sadly, in a way, I received a lot of closure from my awkward predicament because it was only then that I finally fully grasped how it felt on all sides and to all people involved—and, in the end, that genuinely allowed me to accept everything that I had gone through since that fateful February day in 2010. 

Saying all this, I’m in no way trying to rationalize or justify my actions to myself or to others because I know in a lot of peoples’ eyes it will always be wrong what we did.  In the end, yes, I am as guilty for somebody else’s pain as my ex-husband and his new wife were for mine over the last year and a half—and I am extremely remorseful for the pain that I have caused (much like I know my ex-husband is for the pain he had caused to me).  However, through my pain, just as I had come to realize that my ex-husband and I were not meant to be—I know that my love’s ex-wife will also come to eventually realize the same, as well.

I had never in my wildest dreams ever thought that I would experience the same painful situation (and the reverse of it) in my life—but, then again, why would anybody ever dream of such horrible situations for themselves or others?  But, regardless, it is what it is and it is now a part of my past and a part of me—and I accept it all and forgive myself completely—and I hope that one day she can do the same.  Even though I am not proud of the way my new fiancé and I began our relationship; I am still so happy that we are with one another today and ultimately, for the rest of our lives. 

In life, we never know what will come to us next or what we will ultimately have to endure in order to find happiness and peace.  Regrettably, it is almost certain that we will eventually make mistakes, hurt others, and have regrets; but, fortunately, that is what forgiveness is for.  And with each new day, we still must continue to oddly wind down the many paths of uncertainty in our lives (and as joyfully as we most possibly can)—otherwise, the only other choice left for us is emptiness and/or death.