Mahalo, My Love

August 16, 2011

I am currently on the way to hawaii with my soon to be husband and true love of my life. Although our quickly-paced budding romance and "story" has been anything but "ordinary" in others' eyes; our profound love for one another has no doubt grown extremely strong and been absolutely true. And over the last four months of our whirlwind love, we had definitely heard and felt the surprise from many, the wrath of a few, and tough questions about our actual love for one another from several--including eachother. However, much to our enjoyment, our new love has not only survived through the fire of our trials; but it has also flourished and grown deeper and stronger, as a result.

As we now traverse across the country and several time zones, I now feel more reassured and at peace than ever about my decision to allow my heart to follow its proper course to fall in love with my best friend and the man of my dreams. And the incidents of this past week and a half--leading up to our departure to our wedding in Hawaii--have only reconfirmed and strengthened my love and commitment to who I know is truly the love of my life.

Over the past few days, I was contacted by my ex-husband and told (among other things) that he was tearfully sorry for all of the pain he had put me through in our bitter divorce a year and a half ago, as well as his confession that he had never stopped loving me and would only know true happiness and peace if we were back together and a family again. I was in utter disbelief and pain at the words he had said, as well as for the pain he was obviously going through. Although I had forgiven him and gotten over the pain he had caused me quite some time ago; it was still crazy to think that what I was hearing was actually happening.

I shared the phone conversation with my new fiance the day it happened and was sick to my stomach about the whole thing the rest of the week. However, the strength and compassion that my fiance had shown for and toward both us and my ex-husband had given me the peace and absolute confidence in the love that we have for one another, as well as the right mind and heart to speak kind and helpful words to my ex-husband throughout the remainder of the week. By the end of the entire odd ordeal, I was able to offer my ex-husband (and now my good friend again...) the right words and encouragement that he needed to hear during this emotional time in his life; as well as the assurance to my new fiance and soon to be "life partner" that I am his--and only his--for now and eternity.

What had started out as something completely unexpected and extremely scary at first last week (...much like the way our whirlwind love has been) had actually turned out to become something so beautiful for words to really explain. My love for my fiance grows each and every day and in ways that I had never known love could do. Now, with a few more hours left until we land in Hawaii, I can honestly say that my life is an absolute dream. No, everything is not perfect; but, with our wedding tomorrow, my son completely in love with his other "dada", and the upcoming birth of our own baby together in early March--I really don't have anything that I can rightfully complain about. I thank God for the crazy trials I have gone through (and learned from) the last year and a half of my crazy-beautiful life and the amazing people that He has put in my life each and every day--Because without either, I wouldn't be who I am today.

"Box of Chocolates"

“Life is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you are gonna get.”—Forrest Gump. 

I haven’t really “written” in quite a few months. As my life has continued to oddly wind down so many paths of uncertainty; I have been extremely busy and in a way kind of hiding from the reality of my situation.  The truth is, I am more in love now with my life and family than I have ever been before and I want to share my happiness with the entire world—yet, I know that much of my happiness has come to fruition because of the pain I have caused to others—and as much as I would like to just ignore it…I can’t.  If I ignore the reality of what had transpired then I am ultimately not being truthful or fair to myself or others—and I know that is no way to live.  As much as the truth hurts, it still must be acknowledged, told, and ultimately accepted.  

Ever since my life has changed for the better, I have felt convicted to share how the love of my life and I initially came together. He was a close friend of mine and he was unhappily married to another person when we first discovered our intense love for each other.  As much as we tried to avoid our growing feelings and love for one another at the time; we were still ultimately drawn together. And our drawing together eventually initiated a final falling apart of his marriage. Although I was not the sole reason for the breakup of their marriage—sadly, I was still one of the many reasons for it. 

As bad as it sounds, being on the “other side” of the situation, or really as the “other woman” (as much as I hate to say that…), allowed me to understand why my ex-husband did to me what he did and why I reacted in certain ways.  Sadly, in a way, I received a lot of closure from my awkward predicament because it was only then that I finally fully grasped how it felt on all sides and to all people involved—and, in the end, that genuinely allowed me to accept everything that I had gone through since that fateful February day in 2010. 

Saying all this, I’m in no way trying to rationalize or justify my actions to myself or to others because I know in a lot of peoples’ eyes it will always be wrong what we did.  In the end, yes, I am as guilty for somebody else’s pain as my ex-husband and his new wife were for mine over the last year and a half—and I am extremely remorseful for the pain that I have caused (much like I know my ex-husband is for the pain he had caused to me).  However, through my pain, just as I had come to realize that my ex-husband and I were not meant to be—I know that my love’s ex-wife will also come to eventually realize the same, as well.

I had never in my wildest dreams ever thought that I would experience the same painful situation (and the reverse of it) in my life—but, then again, why would anybody ever dream of such horrible situations for themselves or others?  But, regardless, it is what it is and it is now a part of my past and a part of me—and I accept it all and forgive myself completely—and I hope that one day she can do the same.  Even though I am not proud of the way my new fiancé and I began our relationship; I am still so happy that we are with one another today and ultimately, for the rest of our lives. 

In life, we never know what will come to us next or what we will ultimately have to endure in order to find happiness and peace.  Regrettably, it is almost certain that we will eventually make mistakes, hurt others, and have regrets; but, fortunately, that is what forgiveness is for.  And with each new day, we still must continue to oddly wind down the many paths of uncertainty in our lives (and as joyfully as we most possibly can)—otherwise, the only other choice left for us is emptiness and/or death. 

Weave into Others

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” –Pericles

Each and every day we encounter new people in our lives. While some may be engrained in our thoughts as we ponder on the day’s past activities; others may possibly never cross our minds ever again.  But what is interesting to think about are those people—whether they are complete strangers or close loved ones—who just happen to stick in our minds and stay in our hearts for one particular reason or another.      

The great Greek statesman, general, and orator, Pericles (495-429 BC), once stated, “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”  Often referred to as “the first citizen of Athens”, Pericles promoted the arts and literature and ruled Athenian society during the city’s Golden Age.  He was also primarily responsible for fostering Athenian democracy and building the foundations of the Acropolis (including the Parthenon). 

Although he was responsible for building some of the greatest monuments of both the Ancient and Modern Worlds—he still believed that it was more important for himself (as well as the citizens of Athens) to form strong and meaningful relationships with others.  In effect, he wanted to be remembered for the positive influence that he had woven into the lives of his fellow citizens; rather than what he had merely built with stone and mortar.  

Pericles was truly a magnificent man of his time for many reasons; yet, he primarily sticks in my mind and stays in my heart for the wonderful line that I am quoting now.  The examination of his quote helps me to think about and appreciate the valuable people in my own life—from both my past and my present. 

The noteworthy individuals who have woven into my life are all special to me and remembered for different reasons—some good and some bad.  And amazingly, many of those people may also never know the impact that they had made in my life or possibly even remember me at all in their own minds.  Yet, knowing that still does not change their importance to me one bit.  And although I am not always perfect with the way I speak and/or behave; I still try to stay cognizant of the fact that I could also potentially leave a lasting impression on someone else—whether I ever know about it or not.

Nobody is perfect—yet, each and every day, we all still have the same opportunity that Pericles had to make a positive difference in the lives of others. We may not have the political access or the financial backing to build some of the greatest monuments or works of art ever; but, we all do have the choice to weave meaning throughout and form lasting and meaningful relationships with others around us.