“How to deal…”

For the second night in a row, my ex-husband would not allow my 2 ½ year old son to call me so I could tell him goodnight and I love him.  After countless texts and voicemails to his and his new wife’s phones; I still received no call from my little boy. 

However, earlier today when I texted my ex about the house situation (with the mention of a possible lawyer’s involvement), he then decided to give me a call and “update” on that whole ordeal; but, when I quickly changed the subject to the issue of speaking with my son, he only tried to turn the tables by accusing me of calling him a “horrible dad” (when in reality, I actually told him that he was a great dad to our son; but just a horrible person to me, and in general…).  In addition, my ex also thought that it would be useful to let me know that he always has our divorce papers handy; and according to the papers, he only has to provide a “voicemail” for me to leave a message for my son “when I want to.” Ridiculously, his pure selfishness had unfairly prevented me from speaking to MY one and only child—and only because my ex said “No.”—I mean, really??? What is wrong with him??? 

My son is the only joy I have in my life most days and the fact that my ex is “allowed” to deny me the right to speak to my own flesh and blood is absolutely repulsive and a true injustice to the American Justice system (and to human compassion, in general).  This entire situation just drives me so completely mad; I feel as if I have absolutely no say in anything that involves my own son—I just cannot win. 

Both last night and tonight I have cried myself to sleep because of the pain and loneliness I feel because of this overarching theme of a lack of control in my life--especially when it comes to the care of my son.  This entire year has just spiraled into chaos for me and everything that I once had a grip on mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually—I am now just forced to witness it all unravel right before me.  And unfortunately, once the major areas of my life began to unwind; then so did all of the other little areas of my life, as well.  As a result, I have become so absolutely helpless in so many things and many times unable to grasp any tried and true initiative to just get up and try again.  

Although I have made countless attempts to pick myself up and begin anew or to turn away from people and/or situations that bring me back to failure over and over again; it still just seems extremely difficult to “take control” of my life once and for all. 

Throughout my frustration this year, I have ended up turning to so many different forms of distractions and relief, really just in search of anything that could help me refocus my priorities and give me some form of stability again; yet, after many failed attempts (with some good and some bad new habits), I am still many times, right where I started.  However, since trying (and failing) many of my new distractions and reliefs over the last year; I am glad to at least have found some comfort—in times of frustration and loneliness (primarily felt when my son is with his father)—in my old habits of running and reading. 

Although I am now far from where I once was this time last year with my running; I believe that my latest half-marathon race (almost 1 ½ weeks ago now), the encouragement received from my amazing life/running coach, and my personal disgust felt over the many failed “relationships” these past few months has really helped to re-invigorate my love for the sport that I had once found so freeing over a year ago.  My old love of reading has quickly returned as well, most likely because it is one of the only activities that I am able to do in order to “kill time” and to put my mind on something else other than the “loss of control” in my life.  And ironically, my books of choice, lately, have either involved running or Buddhist thought regarding the “wholeness of one’s self”.  


And thankfully, in these books and my running, I am beginning to realize that it is through these activities that I can control how I feel, think and act—regardless of what other part of my life may be unraveling at the time.  Even though I hate the feelings I have when my son is not with me; unfortunately, I know that I must grudgingly accept the fact that my shared custody with my horrible ex will be this way for a very long time—therefore, I better find a healthy way to deal with the lost time with my son and the overall loss of control in my life--and what better ways are there than through my “safe places/activities” of running and reading?   

Not all are so good...

I am tired of always making excuses for others.  For so long, I have tried to see the best in others and try to come up with some reason or another of why they treat other human beings so wrongly.  Whether it has been my ex-husband (who I am finally beginning to realize has absolutely no conscience or remorse for what he has done at all) or other people I encounter (specifically men who I have met within the last year or so)—I am actually starting to see that a lot of people are just not inherently “good,” like I have naively thought for so long now. 

I am not perfect and I make absolutely no claim to be; yet, I have always tried to “put myself in others shoes” in order to see where they are coming from or to understand why they act in certain ways toward myself and others.  And even though I am continually hurt by some of the same conscienceless people time and time again—I still have continued to give them the benefit of the doubt—even though I probably shouldn’t have.  Continuously, I am the only one who is hurt in these “relationships” I have with others, while they are just fine and on their own way without a care in the world (because it’s very easy not to care when a conscience is lacking).  And as much as I do not want to think the worst of people; I think that if I do not begin to, then the pain I keep getting subjected to will never disappear. 

There are so many people out there who are just so concerned with their own pleasures and ideas that they could care less about the pain they make others feel and although I usually feel bad for these people and their emotionless state; I am also learning that it is a pointless way to feel for those who could care less about how I feel.  I absolutely hate writing this kind of stuff and feeling this way, but I know that it is in my best interest if I just finally accept the fact that a lot of people out there are just bad people when it comes to caring for others.  

And as much as I hate to totally write people out of my life—I am just beginning to feel more compelled each and every day to just cut the “bad” people out of my life completely and as soon as I possibly can.  Because if I don’t get rid of the “bad” people in my life then I am almost destined to repeat the same stupid actions as before and just end up where I am now—hurt and alone because of the “possible good” that I foolishly believe is in someone else…even though it had really never existed in the first place.  I can’t stand goodbyes—but I can’t stand this pain I feel even more.   

The Wanderer

It’s been almost a week and a half since my last entry and the entire time that I haven’t written has been nothing but pure busyness; as well as several random encounters with some people from my not-so-distant past (with whom I thought I would never speak with again…).  Work has kept my time very limited and that has, in effect, caused everything else in my life to be on nothing but a tight schedule.  However, even in all of the busyness and run-around of the last week and a half—I have still been able to spend some quality time with my son and also socialize quite a bit with friends. 

Last Saturday was an odd day which began at 7:30am with a text message from my ex-husband telling me to get the rest of my belongings out of our old home in order for him and his new wife to be able to begin moving in and “making it their own”—thus, my initial plan of sleeping in was completely obliterated and it was instead replaced with a good 4 hours of cleaning my old home for a man whom couldn’t even exchange a simple thank you, in return…

However, as I write this now in the casual restaurant, in which I sit; I am stopped in my train of thought due to the sight of an obviously homeless  man whom is aimlessly wandering around from table to table with a look of pity and confusion on his face.  And although every other table of people are looking at one another in bewilderment of the odd situation—I can’t help but feel complete empathy and pain for him.  The entire time he walked around, every person at the table acted as if he did not even exist—they literally just uncomfortably continued on with their own conversations with the other people at their own tables until the man either wandered away or the restaurant’s manager decided to come and kick the man out of the place. 

Wow, we are all so selfish and isolated from one another and so busy whining about our own lives to even notice others who truly need our help.  I know that everybody has their own lives and their own problems and I know that I am definitely one of those who are always able to “find something better” to do with my time; it is still just so heartbreaking to see how much we de-value certain people in our society today. 

And as I now sit in the comfortable seat in the restaurant on my personal laptop with headphones in my ears (in order to block out every other human interaction in which I may encounter here…); I am still in awe as I continue to watch this same poor soul from the window of the restaurant now wander aimlessly on the street corner only a few feet from the door of where I sit.  Watching him incoherently babble on and on to himself really helps me put my own life (and “problems”) into perspective—what I am thinking???  Why in the world do I whine like I do and have self-pity for the stupid decisions that I purposely make for myself, when there are others—literally right outside the door of the physical buildings in which we inhabit, as well as the doors of our own personal life walls in which we build around our selves and all that we know—who are actually living each and every day alone and ignored within this “great” society and world in which we all complain and moan about.  

How in the world do we live with ourselves and our obviously selfish ways and actions toward others like we do?

Life and human nature are so very weird to me—the idea that we are all “created exactly the same” and we all supposedly “have the same inherent value as human beings”—is such an absolutely sad and depressing lie that we idyllically espouse in our society.  Clearly, judging by our own actions and inactions toward others in this life—primarily to those others whom are “less than” or “below” ourselves on society’s ladder of success—we are really all just enormously selfish and heartless individuals only looking out for our own “best” in everything.  No wonder the world is as horribly mundane, bleak, and hateful as it is today—the majority of us truly do lack compassion for anyone and everything else that we encounter from day to day.  Life pretty much just boils down to what can I do each day that can help myself—regardless of how my decision affects any other life I come across.

This is not what I was initially planning on writing—but, the wandering man has just had such a profound effect on me that I really am unable to sit here with a clear conscience and write about my own life and “problems.”  Unfortunately, I am now too distracted by him and our society’s plight to focus on anything else but him…life is so sad sometimes.  Who am I to complain when things don’t go my way?