"Yes, I'm a Quitter"

I have never been a quitter.  Just about anything and everything that I have ever started, I have followed through with and finished in the end.  Whether it be school, sports, hobbies, or my marriage—once I say that I am fully committing myself to something—then I remain fully committed until the end—regardless of what unforeseen changes may come along the way.  I. Never. Quit…At least I never used to quit—but, now I am beginning to realize that in certain situations quitting may actually be the right decision to make and action to pursue.  For I am learning, that it is better to be a “happy quitter” then a “miserable finisher”. 

In the past, my pride (for the most part) had always seemed to keep my actions from following many of my heart’s desires to quit certain endeavors or relationships in which I was obligated to.  I do not regret any of the decisions or actions of my past; however, now I am coming to the realization that both situations and people change—and I am neither exempt nor immune from either of those.  And when a change occurs in one aspect of life, then that change will most likely have an effect on another aspect of life, as well.  And like everything else in my life (and life, in general), my current life situation and goals have changed.  As a result, I have been confronted with new options to choose and decisions to make. 

By last May/ June, I had become extremely involved with the partying, drinking, and dating scenes and I had far too much time on my hands during the times that my son was with his father.  At the time, I was intentionally going out non-stop and filling my schedule up with bad habits in order to fill the empty times I was alone.   I was doing anything I could to avoid the pain that I had been shunning since my husband had left and my son had been split between the two of us.  Although I was somewhat satisfied with the fact that I was “staying busy”—I certainly was not satisfied with myself.  Due to many of the self-destructive “coping” methods that I had chosen, I was only creating larger problems for myself in the long-run if I had continued down the same path.  Needless to say, I then began to search for new ways to kill time and avoid my pain.  And within about a week or two of my new search, I had decided to register to run my first half-marathon and to also go back to college again to earn a second Masters Degree and potentially a PhD.  Like always, I was an extreme goal-setter and dream-maker and I figured that this time it would be no different.  I had always set high goals and successfully accomplished them in the end—and when school was involved I had always been in the clear and done extremely well, no matter what.  And when it came to the half-marathon goal, I figured that I was absolutely fine as well, since I had a good six months or so for the race training.   

However, I naively failed to account for the fact that my new “life situations”—such as, the addition of my son, my new status and responsibilities as a single mom, and my new job duties and supervisory position at work—would most likely contribute to many inconvenient time constraints and additional unneeded life stresses. 

So, now here I am, almost one year later and I have since raced in two half-marathons and numerous 5k’s and 10k’s.  Although I did not train as much as I should have—I still stuck with my running goals and completed them.  Unfortunately, when it comes to my return to school, I pretty much failed miserably at it…My schedule was far too packed with all of my “real life” duties and obligations.  In order to successfully devote myself to my school work I ended up putting many of my top priority tasks on the back burner, so all I ended up doing most of the time was stress out about everything I didn’t have time to do.  I had definitely stretched myself too thin and I have now come to discover that I actually CANNOT do it all, like I once thought I could—And I am actually completely OK with this fact.  So, this week I made the decision to withdraw from my current college class and put in for a leave of absence from my current Masters degree. 

Of course, I was a bit down about quitting my classes because I greatly enjoyed the intellectual camaraderie and stimulation of the class discussions; however, I was also completely relieved with the thought that I now have one less task on my schedule to worry about finishing.  But, I definitely still think that going back to school this last year was the best decision for me at the time.  I needed some kind of goal in my life, a creative outlet to write, and something just to occupy my time, in general—and school provided it for me and I cherish those times that I had there.  Fortunately, I am now beginning to settle into my new place, new job, and new life and changes are starting to take place when it comes to my own personal goals and life plan. 

The last few months I have really begun to find my place and clarity of mind through my running and my blogging—and now I believe that I am ready to move forward with these new hobbies of mine and make them more of a habit, as well as some goals.  What had initially started as a small experiment with my blogging has inevitably turned into a great creative outlet for me.  Blogging has helped me to find out that I really do not need to attend school or have a teacher in order to write—and thankfully, through my blogs, I am able to write whatever I want, whenever, however, and for whomever I choose.  With running, I have been getting back into my 25-30 miles per week running base and I am already signed up for a plethora of races over the next few months.  Needless to say, I am very excited about my progress on both of these hobbies, thus far.

So, for this next year, I have decided to set new personal goals for my running and writing—personal goals which I have wanted to do for some time now.  For my running goal, I have decided to run my first full-marathon (26.2 miles) in December 2011.  And my writing goal is to continue blogging and to finally begin writing my book about the last year of my crazy life.  Yes, both goals are pretty far-fetched and time-consuming; yet, they have both become passions of mine since the end of my marriage and they both also provide great self-therapy and happiness for me. 

School was a great goal for me to have this time last year, but life changed and I changed—I actually “grew” as an individual—so, now in order for me to continue in my personal growth, I have to quit some old tasks/hobbies to have more time to devote to new ones.  Yes, I am a quitter…but, I am a happy one at that.    

My Lessons in Love

March 20, 2011

Love is such an odd, yet beautiful concept in this crazy world that we live in.  It is amazing how one little word in the human language (in all languages and dialects, of course…) can have such a profound effect on all people…of all civilizations…throughout all of time.  Basically, every person has largely been on a life-long search for love. Period.

Love makes the world go round and the love that is spread amongst others in this world and in every lifetime is strongly dependent upon the object in which the love is being applied to (as well as by whom is applying the love).  It is such a perplexing topic to ponder and it is probably one of the most (if not THE most) complex acts to fully commit to over time; yet, one of the simplest acts to “just go along with” in the beginning.

Since the start of time, the human race has predominately lived and died for this one simple word of so many meanings.  Whether people choose to live (and/or die) for the love of money, country, family, beliefs, or even their own selves, among the countless other things to love—the main idea still remains the same—Love (either being loved or loving others) is really the only thing needed to survive in this life here on earth (besides the physical necessities, that is…).

In my own experience, I have not had the very best of luck with love (especially within the last year or so when it comes to relationships with significant others); however, I believe that it has been during this time that I have learned the most about what love actually is and is not.  I have come to realize through countless heartbreaks, frustrations, and pain that real love is primarily based on a commitment to one another, compromise between both involved, as well as an actual commitment to and belief in the idea of “commitment” and “true love”, itself.  I have also come to discover that the amount of love and respect that I have for myself as an individual, actually goes hand in hand with the amount of love and respect which I receive from others.  Point blank, if I don’t value myself or believe in my own dreams—then, why should anybody else go out of their way to value or believe in me also?   

Another great love lesson that I have learned over this past year or so has been taught to me through the simple observation of others.  Fortunately, my job allows me the opportunity to work with senior citizens every day and with that I have had the great blessing of witnessing the epitome of “true love” and commitment through the lives of many of the senior couples that I work with.  Some days at work, I just get so much enjoyment and inspiration from watching many of them flirtingly hackle the other, yet still remain gentle and caring enough to defend their loved one against any other person’s jokes. 

So many of them look so in love still after numerous years of what I’m sure were not always perfect times.  From them, I have learned that the glue which holds couples together after 40+years of marriage, children, money woes, deaths, happiness, and tears is in fact just a strong commitment to commitment, itself.  Some of the stories that I have been told by a few of the couples are absolutely heartbreaking and life-shattering; however, as a couple, they still stood strong together and trusted that their love and commitment to one another would always get them through the best and worst of times.  And come to find out, it was many of those tragic life situations that actually helped to open up several of the couples’ eyes to the simple blessing and sheer pleasure of what the other person meant to them.  Through the fire they bonded and came out stronger than before.  Although their lives and relationships were not too appealing at the time of trouble; it is now quite evident to them—and to others, as well—that true beauty and love is often only revealed and appreciated in time.      

This past year, the love of my son has been magnified to me, as well.  Each and every day he brings so many new laughs, challenges, and excitement to my life.  He truly is the light of my life.  His love and adoration for myself—and for others, in general—amazes me all the time.  Although he is only a toddler, he still seems to exemplify such care and love for any person he comes into contact with.  His inquisitiveness and bright blue eyes melt my heart and bring a smile to my face daily and his simple presence alone helps to bring peace to my sometimes chaotic days.  Through him and his example, I have learned that love really is so simple and pure through a child’s eyes—and if I allow it, I too, can have those same eyes on love.

Love and life are pretty much one in the same and they are both seen everywhere, if one is looking for them.  And even though I have always had those basic ideas in the back of my mind; I think that many of my failed love experiences of this past year had helped to cloud and muddy my child’s eye view of the beauty of the two.  However, through the lack of love from a significant other and the wonderful examples of true love from the senior couples and my son; I believe that I am beginning to see that the beauty of love and life that I once held so dear, thankfully, never really did fade from my life.

Choice of Amnesia...

If I were given the option to be stricken with amnesia in order to forget the last year of my life; under certain circumstances, I often wonder which choice I would make…

Although I know that each and every experience that I have gone through this last year-plus has helped to contribute to the person who I am today; I still at times wish that the pain that accompanied those experiences weren’t so deeply rooted into my emotions, as well.  In all reality, it is not really any specific experience that I regret—it is primarily just the emotional attachment and “bonds” to those people who I had shared certain experiences with that I wish I could just get rid of…or at least minimize at a somewhat quicker pace. 

Throughout the last year, I have definitely met a ton of people; however, many of them I unfortunately no longer am in contact with (for some reason or another…); and when it comes to some of those people, I still often feel a tinge of pain when the thought of them comes to mind.  I guess I am classified as one of those people who become far too attached, far too quickly and even though I have begun to just give certain people their time and space apart from me, I am now starting to question whether we really even had a friendship to begin with…

I’m also starting to see that it is myself who has to have the same attitude of others when it comes to my viewpoint of what a friendship is and isn’t.  Obviously, I must realize that if a person doesn’t have either the time or the desire to even attempt to be a friend of mine—then, I should feel the same about them—regardless, of what “great” times we had once spent with one another or the feelings that I may or may not still have for them.  I am obviously not worth the time in their eyes. 

Everybody is valued differently in every other person’s eyes—for one reason or another—and regardless of whether or not the value put upon somebody is correct or not in another’s eyes, it really doesn’t matter—because Perception is everything…and it is quite ok to dislike someone else for whatever reason you want to. 

So, the amnesia option that I think I would go for would be one that would just remove any kind of attachment or longing for the company, friendship, or relationship that I thought I once had with certain people from this past year…and who I apparently no longer have any kind of meaningful friendship with today.  And in a way, I guess that this “time apart” actually is helping to further “move along” the dissipation of relationships that “once were.” 

On the other hand, over the last few weeks, as I have reflected on and struggled with how exactly I should feel about my many past experiences and attached emotions to them; I have found myself becoming very withdrawn into myself, yet open to new ideas and new experiences at the same time.  Thankfully, I have also seemed to be sticking with my newly-recaptured long-lost habits of reading and running—which have definitely helped to keep me pretty grounded through some of the emotions I have been going through lately. 

I have bought several books over the last two weeks and I have already finished one and I am more than 2/3 finished with another one.  I have also stayed on a somewhat structured running schedule and joined two running groups nearby—one in which I had a great fun-filled night with several new friends that I had met after the run. 

Fortunately, it seems that the more I stick with the habits I choose for myself, then the less time that I have to sit and dwell on what I no longer “have” with others from my not-so-distant past.  Along with my new habits, I have also signed up for a ton of races over the next few months in order to keep my weekends filled and busy and to also provide goals to aide in the continuation of my running.  Over the last few weeks, I also think that I have made the decision to take a break from my newest college degree.  Although I absolutely love attending the classes and reading the course material—I just don’t think that my heart is fully in it at this time. School is just a huge investment of both my time and money—especially when it is time (and also money) that I could be spending on my running, and more importantly, my son.  If anything, I think that I may just “sit-in” on some classes only for the sheer pleasure of learning and/or some shared intellectual camaraderie with others.   

So, I guess at this time of my life I would opt for “no” on the amnesia.  Yes, the pain that I feel at times is quite frustrating; however, I still do not think that I would ever want to lose the wonderful memories of both my experiences and those who I shared them with…  And all in all, I know that time will eventually heal all wounds and frustrations and great memories will last forever… J 

“How to deal…”

For the second night in a row, my ex-husband would not allow my 2 ½ year old son to call me so I could tell him goodnight and I love him.  After countless texts and voicemails to his and his new wife’s phones; I still received no call from my little boy. 

However, earlier today when I texted my ex about the house situation (with the mention of a possible lawyer’s involvement), he then decided to give me a call and “update” on that whole ordeal; but, when I quickly changed the subject to the issue of speaking with my son, he only tried to turn the tables by accusing me of calling him a “horrible dad” (when in reality, I actually told him that he was a great dad to our son; but just a horrible person to me, and in general…).  In addition, my ex also thought that it would be useful to let me know that he always has our divorce papers handy; and according to the papers, he only has to provide a “voicemail” for me to leave a message for my son “when I want to.” Ridiculously, his pure selfishness had unfairly prevented me from speaking to MY one and only child—and only because my ex said “No.”—I mean, really??? What is wrong with him??? 

My son is the only joy I have in my life most days and the fact that my ex is “allowed” to deny me the right to speak to my own flesh and blood is absolutely repulsive and a true injustice to the American Justice system (and to human compassion, in general).  This entire situation just drives me so completely mad; I feel as if I have absolutely no say in anything that involves my own son—I just cannot win. 

Both last night and tonight I have cried myself to sleep because of the pain and loneliness I feel because of this overarching theme of a lack of control in my life--especially when it comes to the care of my son.  This entire year has just spiraled into chaos for me and everything that I once had a grip on mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually—I am now just forced to witness it all unravel right before me.  And unfortunately, once the major areas of my life began to unwind; then so did all of the other little areas of my life, as well.  As a result, I have become so absolutely helpless in so many things and many times unable to grasp any tried and true initiative to just get up and try again.  

Although I have made countless attempts to pick myself up and begin anew or to turn away from people and/or situations that bring me back to failure over and over again; it still just seems extremely difficult to “take control” of my life once and for all. 

Throughout my frustration this year, I have ended up turning to so many different forms of distractions and relief, really just in search of anything that could help me refocus my priorities and give me some form of stability again; yet, after many failed attempts (with some good and some bad new habits), I am still many times, right where I started.  However, since trying (and failing) many of my new distractions and reliefs over the last year; I am glad to at least have found some comfort—in times of frustration and loneliness (primarily felt when my son is with his father)—in my old habits of running and reading. 

Although I am now far from where I once was this time last year with my running; I believe that my latest half-marathon race (almost 1 ½ weeks ago now), the encouragement received from my amazing life/running coach, and my personal disgust felt over the many failed “relationships” these past few months has really helped to re-invigorate my love for the sport that I had once found so freeing over a year ago.  My old love of reading has quickly returned as well, most likely because it is one of the only activities that I am able to do in order to “kill time” and to put my mind on something else other than the “loss of control” in my life.  And ironically, my books of choice, lately, have either involved running or Buddhist thought regarding the “wholeness of one’s self”.  


And thankfully, in these books and my running, I am beginning to realize that it is through these activities that I can control how I feel, think and act—regardless of what other part of my life may be unraveling at the time.  Even though I hate the feelings I have when my son is not with me; unfortunately, I know that I must grudgingly accept the fact that my shared custody with my horrible ex will be this way for a very long time—therefore, I better find a healthy way to deal with the lost time with my son and the overall loss of control in my life--and what better ways are there than through my “safe places/activities” of running and reading?   

Not all are so good...

I am tired of always making excuses for others.  For so long, I have tried to see the best in others and try to come up with some reason or another of why they treat other human beings so wrongly.  Whether it has been my ex-husband (who I am finally beginning to realize has absolutely no conscience or remorse for what he has done at all) or other people I encounter (specifically men who I have met within the last year or so)—I am actually starting to see that a lot of people are just not inherently “good,” like I have naively thought for so long now. 

I am not perfect and I make absolutely no claim to be; yet, I have always tried to “put myself in others shoes” in order to see where they are coming from or to understand why they act in certain ways toward myself and others.  And even though I am continually hurt by some of the same conscienceless people time and time again—I still have continued to give them the benefit of the doubt—even though I probably shouldn’t have.  Continuously, I am the only one who is hurt in these “relationships” I have with others, while they are just fine and on their own way without a care in the world (because it’s very easy not to care when a conscience is lacking).  And as much as I do not want to think the worst of people; I think that if I do not begin to, then the pain I keep getting subjected to will never disappear. 

There are so many people out there who are just so concerned with their own pleasures and ideas that they could care less about the pain they make others feel and although I usually feel bad for these people and their emotionless state; I am also learning that it is a pointless way to feel for those who could care less about how I feel.  I absolutely hate writing this kind of stuff and feeling this way, but I know that it is in my best interest if I just finally accept the fact that a lot of people out there are just bad people when it comes to caring for others.  

And as much as I hate to totally write people out of my life—I am just beginning to feel more compelled each and every day to just cut the “bad” people out of my life completely and as soon as I possibly can.  Because if I don’t get rid of the “bad” people in my life then I am almost destined to repeat the same stupid actions as before and just end up where I am now—hurt and alone because of the “possible good” that I foolishly believe is in someone else…even though it had really never existed in the first place.  I can’t stand goodbyes—but I can’t stand this pain I feel even more.   

The Wanderer

It’s been almost a week and a half since my last entry and the entire time that I haven’t written has been nothing but pure busyness; as well as several random encounters with some people from my not-so-distant past (with whom I thought I would never speak with again…).  Work has kept my time very limited and that has, in effect, caused everything else in my life to be on nothing but a tight schedule.  However, even in all of the busyness and run-around of the last week and a half—I have still been able to spend some quality time with my son and also socialize quite a bit with friends. 

Last Saturday was an odd day which began at 7:30am with a text message from my ex-husband telling me to get the rest of my belongings out of our old home in order for him and his new wife to be able to begin moving in and “making it their own”—thus, my initial plan of sleeping in was completely obliterated and it was instead replaced with a good 4 hours of cleaning my old home for a man whom couldn’t even exchange a simple thank you, in return…

However, as I write this now in the casual restaurant, in which I sit; I am stopped in my train of thought due to the sight of an obviously homeless  man whom is aimlessly wandering around from table to table with a look of pity and confusion on his face.  And although every other table of people are looking at one another in bewilderment of the odd situation—I can’t help but feel complete empathy and pain for him.  The entire time he walked around, every person at the table acted as if he did not even exist—they literally just uncomfortably continued on with their own conversations with the other people at their own tables until the man either wandered away or the restaurant’s manager decided to come and kick the man out of the place. 

Wow, we are all so selfish and isolated from one another and so busy whining about our own lives to even notice others who truly need our help.  I know that everybody has their own lives and their own problems and I know that I am definitely one of those who are always able to “find something better” to do with my time; it is still just so heartbreaking to see how much we de-value certain people in our society today. 

And as I now sit in the comfortable seat in the restaurant on my personal laptop with headphones in my ears (in order to block out every other human interaction in which I may encounter here…); I am still in awe as I continue to watch this same poor soul from the window of the restaurant now wander aimlessly on the street corner only a few feet from the door of where I sit.  Watching him incoherently babble on and on to himself really helps me put my own life (and “problems”) into perspective—what I am thinking???  Why in the world do I whine like I do and have self-pity for the stupid decisions that I purposely make for myself, when there are others—literally right outside the door of the physical buildings in which we inhabit, as well as the doors of our own personal life walls in which we build around our selves and all that we know—who are actually living each and every day alone and ignored within this “great” society and world in which we all complain and moan about.  

How in the world do we live with ourselves and our obviously selfish ways and actions toward others like we do?

Life and human nature are so very weird to me—the idea that we are all “created exactly the same” and we all supposedly “have the same inherent value as human beings”—is such an absolutely sad and depressing lie that we idyllically espouse in our society.  Clearly, judging by our own actions and inactions toward others in this life—primarily to those others whom are “less than” or “below” ourselves on society’s ladder of success—we are really all just enormously selfish and heartless individuals only looking out for our own “best” in everything.  No wonder the world is as horribly mundane, bleak, and hateful as it is today—the majority of us truly do lack compassion for anyone and everything else that we encounter from day to day.  Life pretty much just boils down to what can I do each day that can help myself—regardless of how my decision affects any other life I come across.

This is not what I was initially planning on writing—but, the wandering man has just had such a profound effect on me that I really am unable to sit here with a clear conscience and write about my own life and “problems.”  Unfortunately, I am now too distracted by him and our society’s plight to focus on anything else but him…life is so sad sometimes.  Who am I to complain when things don’t go my way?