DroptheMask

“I’m sorry that it had to come to this.” --February 2, 2010 That was the single text and only explanation that I have ever received from my now ex-husband on the night that he left me for someone else.   As soon as I had read those words, I knew that my life was about to change forever.   Everything that I had ever known and depended on in my life was on the very brink of alteration—all through the simple transmission of those nine heart-breaking words.    As soon as I laid my eyes on my phone screen, I collapsed into the fetal position on my floor—out of breath and in complete shock.  Even at that point, I knew it was over.   Once I regained enough energy to speak, I let out a wail of grief and hate toward him and everything good that I thought he once stood for.   At that moment, I hated him and everything about him for what he was about to put myself, our families, and especially our son through.   I full-heartedly admit that I was not the be...

Lately I have felt as if I don’t really belong anywhere, in particular.   Almost as if I am constantly just straddling the fence of life among the many different groups of friends, acquaintances, family members, and “life titles/roles.”   I just don’t seem to “fit in” with one particular group of people at all.   When I hang out with married friends I feel like the odd one out because I am divorced.   With my young, single friends I am the one with a child.   When I was in school, I was the one who had already graduated and who was there “just for fun.”   At work, I am seen as one of the “supervisors,” so not really trusted whole-heartedly.   And in my family, I am just seen as unsettled and confused.   Everywhere and anywhere I go, I am never “one of them”—I am always the “other.” This past weekend, I went to a birthday party for one of my sister’s friends and seemed to initially “blend in” with the crowd.   I have known many of her friend...

My son is one of the most incredible creatures I have ever known.   Although he often drives me completely nuts; I know that his craziness most likely stems from his amazingly magnetic personality and gigantic heart of love. I have always been the type of person to rush through every part of my life—both good and bad—I am terrible at “living in the moment”; yet, lately every time I am with my son, time cannot seem to slow down quick enough for me to enjoy every millisecond that I have with him.   Due to my unfortunate parenting custody situation, I have had to become a “part-time parent” in order for my son to enjoy both of his parents in his life.   I would never want him to miss out on the experiences that only a father and son can share together, so I unwillingly agree to part with my son every other week in order to follow the terms of our 60/40 parenting plan.   However, the shortened amount of time that I now am forced to spend with my wonderful son has actu...

I haven’t written in my blog for quite awhile and I am not sure of the ultimate reason why…I don’t really know if I can attribute my “lack of writing credit” to my lack of initiative, ultimate shyness, inevitable busyness, outright shame, or just pure laziness—but, for whatever reason, I have not been held very accountable to my writing and/or “venting process” like I ultimately should have been.   Although I am a fairly open person regarding many personal details of my life (primarily when I am writing in my blog, talking to a complete stranger, or drinking in a bar with a somewhat close friend…), I also often try to pretend that the sometimes intimate conversations discussed never happened afterward.   Many times, once I let somebody “see the real me” or “into my heart,” I then fear finding out what the person actually does think about me—as an actual “individual”—whether the feedback about me is good or bad.   For some reason or another, I am just so scared to know wh...