DroptheMask

“…knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” ~James 1:3 Earlier today I was having a very difficult time writing about anything that had occurred over the last few days. Although I had been yearning to sit down and write about my feelings and situations for quite some time now; my mind was just not functioning the way it should be and the way it usually did. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was too distracted by some of the other things going on in my life or because it just wasn’t the “right time” for me to write. However, after some time of reflection, introspection, and prayer, I believe that now is the “right” time for my heart to share and thoughts to flow freely. Since my last blog entry, four days ago, I have since had my 26th birthday, sadly (yet responsibly) returned my new puppy back to the pet shop, somewhat resolved my “complicated dilemma” with my close friend, and had a very emotional “heart to heart” with my mother in law. Thus, these past few days ...

"Im coming to understand that 'acceptance' is the most difficult thing to actually 'accept' in life... : /" - me. Tomorrow will be my 26 th Birthday and it will mark the ending of one of the most challenging years of my life and essentially the closing of my “Quarter-Life Crisis.”   I find myself in a very somber mood right now, primarily because of the actual calendar date and the pending close to my year of emotional, mental, and spiritual breakdown and awakening, in a sense.   However, I also feel somber and quite uneasy about a decision I have to make regarding the potential end to a fairly close, yet complicated, friendship of mine.   My life has been so weird since I turned 25 years old—a year ago tomorrow—and I am somewhat torn on how I am supposed to feel about all of it actually coming to an end.   On one hand, I cannot wait for this year to be over with and gone; but, on the other hand, I feel as if such a huge part of myself—both old and new—are al...

Well, the last time I wrote my blog was last Wednesday and I was in a very emotional and vulnerable state of mind. Needless to say, I am now doing much better and a lot of new things have happened in my life within the last week.   Of course, I know how much life can change in a week, so some of the drastic changes that have happened are really not all that surprising to me. Since my father in law’s funeral and my conversation with my ex-husband’s new wife and family, (on January 15 th ), I have felt a continual peace within my spirit.   I believe that I have come close to the realization that life will not always be perfect or fair; but, it will always turn out “ok” in the end…especially when I know that God is in control of it all.   The only constant in life is change and if we fear change then we essentially fear life.   I admit that any kind of Change is frightening; but it is also extremely exciting in its own right.   And this last week, the changes that...

Today was a somewhat odd day for me. I started out on a pretty high note and in an extremely cheerful mood. I had successfully sold every piece of furniture on Monday on Craigslist and I had created my “new room and bathroom” exactly the way I wanted it. Needless to say, I felt extremely accomplished and satisfied with my weekend’s work. Then, the day seemed to get better when I successfully managed to have a “normal” conversation with my ex-husband about our house/short sale/foreclosure/etc. situation. Long story short, I may be moving into an apartment within the next 3-4 months and my credit may be completely restored to its prior glory! However, as I headed to school for class tonight, I began to feel a bit somber and depressed. I don’t really feel like writing everything out at this moment; but I think I’m quickly becoming over-stressed and hurt over my following life circumstances: my classes this semester; my father in law’s passing and my ex’s new life; dealing with my family...

“Complete possession is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give possesses you.”   ~Andre Gide Last night I posted half of my house’s contents on craigslist, in preparation of my move to an apartment…whenever that will be. However, now that I am receiving calls and emails regarding the purchase of my belongings; I am feeling strong emotions against the entire idea of ridding myself of the items.   Yesterday, I had a great day with my mom and my son and I finally purchased new bedding and a shower curtain for myself and my new life “on my own”.   It has always been in my plans to sell my bedroom furniture, formal living room set and patio furniture (all purchased with my husband); and then keep my guest room furniture (from my parents house) and the family room furniture (which was purchased one month before my husband left—only because it is more durable for my son’s energy).   But then when I went into the living room to measure the entertainment center for...

“To be at one with God is to be at peace ... peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul.” ~Ralph Waldo Trine Wow, what a day. Today was my father-in-law’s funeral and it was an extremely emotional day that actually ended up going unexpectedly smooth. It was definitely a “God” thing. As awkward as it was to be there, I still wanted to be there for my mother in law, brothers in law and in my father in law’s memory. There were so many people there from my past and it was so great seeing all of them and “catching up” as much as we could, under the circumstances. The funeral was an absolutely beautiful one. It was a glorious celebration of life, family and friends and it is exactly how my father-in-law would have wanted it. He was a man with a tough exterior, yet a very kind heart and throughout the years I was thankful to be able to know both sides of him. His life,...

January 11, 2011 “…I love you.   You and I are together in this…we are the two misfits in the family and in society…We are like two broken toys. We are broken, depressed, unwanted and thrown out to the side…broken toys that just go to the dump because they have no other place to go.” Tuesday ended up being an extremely sad and somewhat revealing day. Unfortunately, I had found out from my mother that my ex-husband’s father had passed away Sunday afternoon (1/9/2011) after a painful and quick battle against lung cancer. Although he had been in hospice care for the last few months, it was still painful for me to digest the news of my father in law’s passing.   Sadly, his battle with cancer had actually only begun this past March 2010—not even an entire year ago. And the heart-wrenching news of his Stage 4 cancer had been diagnosed by doctors and revealed to the family only one short month after my ex had left me. Needless to say, the news was another low blow to all that my fam...

January 10, 2011 “It's exhilarating to be alive in a time of awakening consciousness; it can also be confusing, disorienting, and painful.”   ~ Adrienne Rich Well, it is already Monday again and although I had tried several times over the weekend to sit down and write my blog, for some reason, I just couldn’t get the words out that I wanted to convey.   At this current moment, I’m still not sure what I want to write, but I guess I will just continue to “write free-flow” until I feel that my “purge session” is sufficient. This weekend was a pretty crazy one. I began it in a very content frame of mind. I was satisfied with my decision to start a blog and I surprisingly had shared the link for it with quite a few people (only three of whom I know actually read it).   I didn’t put out a mass text or Facebook post about it; but, I did end up just sharing the link with those who have either heard the entire crazy story of my life during the last year, those who I have whined...

January 8, 2011 “Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement - and we will make the goal.”  ~Jerome Fleishman When I was going through all of the craziness of my life last year, I designated two of my friends—one who I have worked with for almost 4 years now and the other who I had met at a bar last February 2010—as my “life coaches.” Both of the friends always seemed to be there whenever I needed them and they were always willing to listen to all of my crazy antics and dumb rationalizations; and regardless of the stupid decisions and details that I had shared with them they both were always there for me with wise advice, kind words, and tough love. I honestly do not know what I would have done without either of them in my life—they were what kept me going many of the days when I wanted to just give up. They were always there to put life in perspective for me and remind me that although I had gone t...

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference." ~Virginia Satir Well, the work day is drawing to an end; however, on this particular day I have to return in about 2 hrs in order to do a presentation. But I really don’t mind doing it tonight since my son is with his father and I don’t particularly have anyone else to hang out with anyway. That is one thing about myself that has somewhat started to worry me…I hate to physically be alone. Whenever I have to be at my house, I usually just leave it in order to go anywhere else where there are other human beings around. To many of my friends and family, my constant obsession with hanging out at the bookstore has almost become a recurring joke to them; and the fact that one of my son’s first words was “bookstore” is also somewhat troubling to others.   Although I usually stick my headphones in my ears, read a book or start working on my computer— I sti...

“I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realizes an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.” -Virginia Woolf Well, today is January 6, 2011. This would have been my 4-year wedding anniversary had everything not have crumbled around this time last year.  Its a very odd feeling that I have today because of the date. I'm not mad, angry, hurt, elated, or depressed--I'm just in a very somber-like mood. Its almost a bittersweet feeling that comes over me when I start thinking about all of the chaos that my life was filled with over the last year. Everything in my life has changed since one year ago today.  No, my marriage wasn't perfect and apparently my husband was with his new girlfriend during this time last year, as well...but, my life and my self NOW is definitely NOT what it once was. In January 2010, I turned 25 years old and within 2-3 wee...